CONTENTS

EDITORIAL

On invitations to relationship

My son’s wedding is coming up. I know, I seem old to have a son getting married, but he decided to wait a while, until that fine Irish girl came along and stole his heart. And a good thing he did too, because I would have missed out on knowing her. And I like them both. Funny thing, though, how this ‘step in to the future’ for them has stimulated a ‘step in to the past’ for me. I find myself reflecting on how I was as his father, how our relationship has evolved over the years, mostly because of his persistence and courage I must say, but especially I have been thinking about how many opportunities I missed by not being a greater part of his life. It was the 70’s and, like so much of the ‘me’ generation of the time, I was lost somewhere in a mushroom cloud over a farmers field just north of Duncan. Or buried in a book of obscure poetry which demanded that we ‘slash the white underbelly of capitalism’, as one of our philosophy professors used to say from the safety of his tenured ivory tower chair. Sundays in the park, late nights debating the significance and meaning of the latest album cover from a foreign rock group, musings on the metaphysical significance of advanced math ... everything seemed more important at the time than building and maintaining relationships of intimacy and love, unless it was the superficial kind found between pebbles on the beach. Funny how opportunities just pass us by, and we don’t even notice at the time that they are opportunities; one-time events, never to come our way again. Oh, we can compensate for missed opportunities, try to create alternative opportunities later, but they will never be the same as the original. After all a child is only four once. And history is always history, regardless of whether or not we are destined to repeat it. As the saying went, ‘you can only step in the same river once’. Because by the time you put your second foot down, the water has flowed, the river has changed, and it will never be the same again. What was, was. I remember when I realised I was missing important opportunities. Don, that’s my son, was graduating from High School, and he sent me an invitation. We were living thousands of miles apart and I hadn’t seen him in a long time. I opened the envelope and read the invitation a few times. All I could think was, ‘if he has the courage to invite me, then I have the courage to go’. And it was on the basis of that one significant gesture, which was not, by the way, the first ‘invitation into relationship’ that he had offered, that our re-building began. Young people do that – reach out and invite us into relation- ship. In their own ways, seldom as clearly as this example, they reach out and tell us they are interested in a relationship of greater connectedness, of riskier intimacy, of personal significance – and sometimes, if we are too involved in our own business, we miss it. The invitation. Sometimes obvious. Sometimes subtle. Often disguised. When we work with young people and their families, we need to keep ourselves open to the opportunities that are offered to us. Because, if we miss the invitation, it may not come round again. It may not come for us, and it might not come for them. And if it does come again, it will be different. So recently I opened another invitation; this time to Don and Gillian’s wedding. And I remembered the invitation from now long ago. I thought about the time between then and now. Moments of fun, intimacy and connectedness. Moments of pride and pleasure. Times of being together. All because of a young man’s invitation to relationship. And I thought about the times before that last invitation. If I had missed that invitation, I would have missed much. So, Sylviane and I will be travelling to Don and Gillian’s wedding. And I will sit back and watch this moment unfold, when two people I care about step forward into their own future. And no doubt, I will step back again as I watch them. The past, present and future will all have their place that day. And we will be grateful to both of them for the invitation into their lives. Life’s better, I think, for all of us, when you accept the invitations that come your way.

TG

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