|
home journals Child & Youth Care Practice
ISSN 0840-982X VOLUME 18 NUMBER 3CONTENTS Editorial: I don’t like kids
3 Spiritual Repression and Self Destructive
Behavior in 6
Putting out the mat ...
16 A Story of Reflection and
Inter-subjectivity: My Self and Craig
18 The Name Game
22 Practice Hint: Group and Regroup 26 Adolescent Parents
27 Misunderstood
33 Raising kids through glory, not strength
35
Creating Safety and Stability for
High-Risk Adolescents: 37
Towards a Unified Vision of Child and
Youth Services 47
People in children’s lives: Adults who
promote resilience 50 Imagination is funny
56 Brief Notes: Toilet training
57 The Stuff of Brave Travelers and
Relationships 58
Our Greatest Failure
60 Books: Attachment Bonds
62 In defense of the interdisciplinary team
and 63 A Reply to Cedric’s Resignation Letter
69
From blue to pink – Just get over it!
70
EDITORIAL I don’t like kids So there it is. After forty years in the business, the truth is finally out. What, in heaven’s name, is there to like about those who sneer at you, insult Now, if you choose to think of me as a duplicitous phony, a traitor to my own profession, go right ahead. But I believe that the common expectation that we should like the kids we work with is one of the most dysfunctional myths in child and youth care. People expect us to like these kids for the simple reason that they don’t. By paying us to like them, these folks conveniently pass along their guilt. It’s called “purging the conscience” and when we accept this contract we seriously compromise our ability to form relationships and work effectively. Certainly we can be curious about these kids, care about them and even love them, but there’s nothing in my rule book that says we have to like them. The reality is that most of the youngsters I’ve worked with over the years were distinctly unlikable. And that is precisely why I worked with them. Let’s face it, the people we instinctively like are those who believe, think and act in ways that meet with our approval (usually those similar to ourselves). In relationships, it’s generally expected that they should also like us – the old principle of reciprocity. But if, for whatever reason, we feel obliged to like, and be in relationship with, someone we find offensive, these conditions are cast to the wind. Our first response to this dilemma might be to disregard the offensive stuff and focus on those characteristics, however obscure or flimsy, that might help us to create and sustain a positive perspective. If this fails and we find ourselves still stuck in the relationship, like a disgruntled spouse or an ‘assigned’ child and youth care worker, our next move might be to try to change the other into someone more to our liking. Professionally speaking, the most direct approach to re-shaping another human being, without medication, is to intervene behaviorally, using strategies designed to decrease the demonic and increase the angelic. The simplest version of this methodology involves ignoring the former and rewarding the latter. The very best kind of reward is personal approval because such messages eventually become internalized and serve to sustain the recipient’s increased self-esteem, seemingly from the inside out. On the other side, the person who is dishing out the rewards is, in turn, rewarded by the success of the strategy and the warm feelings that come from a job well done. Finally, as the credits scroll down screen, the two protagonists bid a fond farewell and the re-shaped client walks off into the sunset, glowing with self-worth and forever likable. Whatever you might think about this approach, from a relational perspective it is an unmitigated disaster. The cognitive trickery we use to ‘focus on the positive’ denies our own experience, distorts our perception of the other and places our curiosity in cold storage. This sets up a relationship based upon delusion, illusion and manipulation in circumstances that cry out for honesty, awareness and authenticity. Even if our ‘interventions’ are successful and the client exhibits more acceptable behaviors and attitudes, the chances are that these new characteristics will be n Well, I do! For me, relational child and youth care practice (where have I heard that term before?) is not only a very different perspective; it is different pathway, across very different terrain, in search of a very different destination. Setting out on a relational pathway begins with the recognition that, until we come to know other people, everything we think and believe about them, including our likes and dislikes, is rooted within ourselves. How can it be any other way? In child and youth care, this raises the fascinating possibility that the kids we like are those that express our own repressed inclinations, while those we dislike reflect aspects of ourselves that we would prefer to forget. Unless we identify these attributions as threads woven into our own histories, we will continue to project them onto others. This means that we can never come to know others as separate human beings and our relationships will remain hopelessly enmeshed. Only by fully acknowledging and owning our personal likes and dislikes can we invite others to do the same. This is not to say that we should allow them to express these attitudes in whatever way they choose. Our invitation always carries the expectation that they must also assume responsibility for their own behavior and the assurance that we will respond in a way that preserves our own sense of integrity. To this end, our personal judgments, including our likes and dislikes, are important. No self-respecting practitioner is going to remain passive through the experience of being violated or abused. In drawing the line, however, the critical message is always: “This is about me and not about you. If you continue in this way, I will either distance myself from you or take whatever action is necessary on my own behalf.” This is a very different stance from the usual: “You are a …(insert personal slur or professional label) … and I’m going to … (specify appropriate intervention and desired outcome).” The essence of the line we draw is informational and personal, rather than attributional and authoritative, leaving the other person to consider his or her own options. Once our own attributions and judgments are firmly located where they belong, the second relationship phase becomes possible. Now we can now begin our search for the Self that lies behind the behavior of the Other. With troubled kids, whether children or teenagers, what they present to the world is seldom a representation of who they really are. Yet, somewhere beneath all the defenses and deflections, lies a Self that has no greater need than to be seen and heard by another human being. In most cases, this is a Self that is as unknown to the individual as it is to the outside world. This is the Self that longs for connection, yet hides in fear: it is a Self will that will respond only to an invitation from another Self that has no other agenda than to see and to hear. But this is no simple contract. More often than not it is a process of turmoil in which the fearful Self will continue to fire its artillery and solidify its defenses – all that unlikable stuff that were problems from the outset. In the face of such action, the practitioner must remain solid, present and curious, revealing only what the Other is able or willing to hear, including personal judgments, likes and dislikes. If the practitioner is able to keep his or her own sense of Self intact and available, sooner or later glimpses of the Other will appear, peeking out from behind the walls or scurrying from one place of safety to another. Given support, encouragement, and above all, patience, the unknown Self will step forward, tentative and evasive at first, but slowly growing in confidence. Those who have had the privilege to be with young people through this phase, know this as a time of transformation. For practitioners, it’s an opportunity to see beyond all the ‘presenting problems’ and witness young vulnerable Selv As the defenses slowly dissolve and disappear, liking and disliking become increasingly irrelevant concerns. For whenever we catch glimpses of an unadorned human spirit rising from the rubble of repression, we can only stand in awe. These are the critical transformational moments when our hearts open and our empty judgements melt into compassion. I’d like to believe that such experiences are familiar to all who work with children and youth but, sadly, many of us choose to look elsewhere, distracted by our beliefs and blinkered by our intentions. Having taken the first tentative steps, what the unadorned Self needs to remain in the world is recognition by another unadorned Self. This is no time for the strategic interventions of teachers, priests, parents, or even adults. These roles, along with their responsibilities, will find their place in good time. There is nothing to change here. All that is required is a mirror, a means through which one Self can find its own reflections in the responses of an Other. If you’re not sure how this works, try spending a few minutes in direct communication with a baby – you might be amazed by how easily this comes. If the mirror has words, its essential message is, “So here you are. I see you and I hear you.” Whatever words or gestures might be used, this message remains constant whether the Other happens to be a baby, a young child, an adolescent or a senior citizen. These moments of Self to Self contact transform the core of any relationship, but each individual must also find ways to create his or her own place in a world. Those of us who work with young people, whether we call ourselves parents or professionals, have a very special responsibility to ensure that youngsters are able to learn the ropes without losing their Selves in the process. In this we may guide, teach, set the rules and apply the consequences, but always knowing that we are in the presence of another Self whose place on this planet is as unique and sacred as our own. And even when the going gets tough, we always know that there is still a place where we can meet as equals; fellow travelers on a pathway that leads us both into the same unknown. But when we find ourselves in conflict and retreat behind our respective defenses and judgements, we will also know that somewhere inside we have the resources to create our own lives and that the judgments of others are no more than that – the judgments of others. But, even then, there is no guarantee or expectation that we will end up liking each other. Gerry Fewster
______________
|
