Child care workers write in with problems: “Things go wrong at the very start of my day. The children seem so defiant even about getting out of bed, let alone washing, dressing and doing their chores. By breakfast time I am already in shreds. Is this normal?"
Waking children sounds at first like a very minor problem, but child care workers know that it is very real, and that it often seems to be able to wreck the delicate balance of many relationships before the day starts. Here we have to think of several things: what starting a new day means to a troubled child, what stages children are at in their treatment programmes – and even how old they are.
Another day begins
There are many children – and especially children in care – for whom a
new day promises nothing pleasant. If today is going to be another day
of unhappiness, of feelings of loss and separation, and of a sense of
failure and self-hatred, then I don't really want it to start at all!
Yesterday was bad enough; there is nothing better to look forward to
today. Like many worrying behaviours, an unwillingness to get up in the
morning can be a symptom of deeper problems, rather than a problem in
itself. Care workers often have to think 'What is the real problem here?
What can I do about that, so that the child is more willing to start his
day?' There are many descriptions of children in care which talk about
pessimism, expectations of the worst, feelings of dread, anxiousness
about failure ... Child care workers can then work at creating better
experiences for children, opportunities for achievement, a sense of
being accepted, feelings of growth and competence – all of which can
neutralise the negative feelings. In other words, for such children, we
should not be fighting with them about actually getting up in the
morning; we should be working out how to make getting up more
worth-while for them. Some practical questions to ask: What nice things
will happen (or can be made to happen) for this child today? What
feelings of affirmation, success, self-worth, affection will this child
get today? What unhappinesses can we get rid of – or at least lighten – for this child today? What fears and dreads can we get out into the
open, so that they don't continue to haunt this child's life? Dealing
with all these questions today might just make tomorrow morning
different.
Dependency and autonomy
Even as adults, from time to time we regress to a more dependent
position, when we feel like being 'mothered' or having a little fuss
made of us. Foster writes: “Disturbed children come into treatment with
substantial needs unmet “both the dependency need (the need for
mothering), and the autonomy need (the need for establishing their own
powers and abilities). Owing to their deep sense of worthlessness, they
may have great difficulty both in accepting care and gratification, and
also in trying out their own powers". This combination of feeling
unloved and unconfident often lies at the heart of children's difficulty
in getting up in the morning. We are reminded of our role in helping
children to progress through developmental blocks and milestones, rather
than making them perform according to a routine.
Meeting whose deadlines?
Sometimes we mix all of the children together into a group, and expect
them all to perform at the same level, for example, in getting through
all of the morning routine by breakfast time at 7 am sharp. Sometimes
there are strong expectations in the procedures manual of our
organisation about early morning promptness. By giving priority to 'the
house rules' or to the clock, above individual abilities, we can create
unnecessary anxiety, and even panic, for children. Maybe there will
always be kids who come to breakfast with one sock on and their shirt
inside out. We can fix that up after breakfast, but let's prefer a
pleasant breakfast rather than a rushed feeling of defeat. The better
deadline to follow is the child's timetable of development and
socialisation, their growing ability to understand and master the
requirements of their world. This happens for normal children along a
developmental time scale; and it happens for troubled children as we
help them over their difficulties and get them back 'up to speed'. On
the one hand, we have no right to expect children to accomplish that
which they cannot do; on the other hand we have the responsibility to
teach, and cultivate their ability to conform to normal social
expectations.
Malingering
The child who is 'not feeling well' or who 'has a headache' at wake up
time is not uncommon. The seasoned (or cynical) child care worker may be
tempted first to check whether there is a history test at school today
or whether the child has finished his homework before establishing
whether or not the child is in fact ill! By using the word
'malingering', according to Cape Town general practitioner, Stanley
Levenstein, the child is too easily seen as bad rather than sad. He goes
on: “It may be difficult to assess to what extent, if any, somatic
complaints are deliberately fabricated by a child. A more important
consideration is what purpose is to be served by such an assessment. If
the aim is to identify 'malingerers' in order to expose them as liars
and frauds, then the care worker will be embarking on a futile and
counter-productive exercise. Much more important questions for a child
care worker to consider are: if this child is malingering, why has he or
she found it necessary to adopt this maladaptive way of dealing with
problems? How can I find ways to try to understand this child better and
help him/her to cope more constructively with his or her problems?"
Adolescence
It is the experience of most adults that happy children can't wait to
start their day – or, conversely, that children can't wait to start a
happy day. There is a message for child care workers in there somewhere.
The exception to this will be with adolescents. With adolescents, all
bets are off! In your reading on human development, you have come across
the euphemistic statement that in adolescence “sleep patterns are often
disturbed." So, when you find teenagers crashed on their beds at 4 pm,
wide awake at 11 pm, and then impossible to prise out of bed in the
morning, the problem is probably a universal one, which has more to do
with adolescence than it has to do with you or your morning routine.
Here again, child care workers get themselves unnecessarily ruffled.
Remember that adolescents are also at an age of increasing independence,
and where justified, maybe we should let them face their own
consequences for being late in the mornings. A wake-up call (and maybe a
cup of tea?) “but from there on it's their life. To protect them from
school consequences is often to prevent them learning their own
responsibility and competence – and to get all your kids to school on
time out of consideration for 'the good name of the children's home' may
well be to institutionalise.
The morning after the night before
It could be that the best time to tackle a 'bright and early session' is
the night before. We all know that anxiety is reduced when we can deal
with coming challenges in advance. Talking with a youngster about what
will be happening tomorrow, what needs to be done first thing in the
morning – and perhaps even preparing clothing and school things in
advance to reduce the pressure in the morning, can go a long way towards
making more cheerful and positive mornings.
References
Levenstein, S. (1987). Psychosomatic Illness and Symptoms in Children. The Child Care Worker, 5 , 5.
Foster, G.W. at al. (1981). Child Care Work with Emotionally Disturbed Children, University of Pittsburgh Press.