The Joys of being a Sibling

Liz Laidlaw

On a recent cross-Canada family vacation to Halifax, Nova Scotia, a distant relative commented that my children seemed to get along very well. I answered that yes, they did – when they weren’t killing each other.

My children will potentially have a more influential and longer lasting relationship with each other than with my husband or me. Their relationship will possibly last longer than their relationship with their future spouses and even their own children. My son and daughter constantly struggle for who has ultimate control over every situation they find themselves in. It has been fascinating watching their relationship evolve over time but I’m somewhat frightened about what lies ahead.

I meet so many people who tell me they have terrible relationships with their siblings, or worse, no relationship at all. How does this happen? Can I prevent this from happening with my own kids?

My daughter was three-and-a- half years old when my son was born. She has spent the most time in control just because she was here first. She jumped at the chance to help take care of her brother and reveled in being able to control his movements, his toys, his whole environment. Her position as first-born in the birth order has required her to develop a variety of pro-social skills – helping, sharing, co-operating. She has also been placed in a position that allows her to be an effective teacher of these skills to her younger brother.

But now that my son is four, he is no longer as pliable as he was when he was an infant. He can (loudly) voice his opinions and physically fight for his territory. My daughter has become a master of manipulation where her brother is concerned, using all kinds of psychological warfare to her advantage, learning from her mistakes and constantly updating her management operations arsenal. For his part, my son is learning at twice her speed to be equally as manipulative. He is paying attention to what works and what doesn't, as well as to his parents' reactions to this behaviour, intensely planning his strategies and rebuttals.

My usual reaction has been to get quite involved and facilitate the argument. But I realize that I’m not helping, only becoming a pawn in a never-ending war. So I vow to stay out of it and let them deal with it, suffer their own consequences and learn from their experiences. Except I can’t stand to do that either because the noise of them bickering and battling drives me crazy. So I have resorted to threatening to split them up, separate them. They are horrified at the thought of being separated, especially during a summer vacation or a long Christmas break when other friends are few and far between. They quickly join forces against the evil third party and scurry off together in a temporary truce. Depending on how tired, hungry or merciless they are feeling, this truce can last anywhere from a few seconds to several hours – and then they’re right back at it.

I have always had a good relationship with my (only) older brother, except for, as he reminded me recently, the five or six years we didn’t speak at all. Ah yes, I had conveniently forgotten about that rift in our teen years when he was a geek and I was a loser. Although we each deemed each other less than cool, I do remember my brother helping me out of a few sticky situations when I was in high school. And I do remember watching how he handled things and how my parents reacted to his screw-ups, which helped me gauge mine. After years of living continents apart, our whole family is concentrated in one area again. Seeing my brother more often now after all these years is somehow very comforting. I still learn new things about him (and from him) all the time, but the core of who he is seems to be imbedded in my soul. To speak of the past with someone who knows it almost like you do is validating and reassuring. To grow old with him in my family’s life will be a privilege, and as our parents age, it will be hugely supportive to have someone else to consult with on how to best assist them.

I am reminded of a previous long ago cross-Canada family vacation, where my brother and I were each treated to a special something at one of the pit stops along the way. We were driving from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Halifax, Nova Scotia and about half-way there, my parents purchased a wooden tomahawk for my brother. I was given a soft suede drum. Hardly a fair and equitable situation. You can imagine what happened in the back of the old Volvo station wagon as we sped along the highway!

All these years later, we are in Halifax with our children and my husband takes the kids to pick out a special something. My son chooses a long plastic pirate’s sword complete with scabbard. My daughter chooses a seashell. I want to scream. Luckily we are traveling by plane this trip and of course, the sword is not allowed in the carry on luggage. So my daughter is spared the same fate as her mother, at least until we get home.

Trying to teach our children how to express their anger, irritation or resentment towards their siblings without nastiness and cruelty is exhausting. But, if they can learn to use some of these tools in their own relationships, it can only help them to form effective peer relationships and hone some of these social skills that they can use throughout their lives. Hopefully, my kids will continue to negotiate the conflict between them in their lives and with any luck, they’ll become normal functioning people with a somewhat normal, enduring and supportive relationship in this world. They've got their work cut out for them.

This feature: Laidlaw, L. (2007). The joys of being a Sibling. Relational Child Youth Care Practice, 20(4), pges 21-23