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129 NOVEMBER 2009
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practice

Maintaining respect under fire

Linda Goulet

A veteran teacher provides a dozen strategies for reaching “hard-to-reach” kids by modeling respect and nurturing responsibility. Included is a focus on discovering student interests, being honest, developing compassion, and preventing burnout.

Charles and I met two years ago. He said nothing to me for the first hour of school, just glared at me. When he finally spoke it was to say “Shut the f– up! I’m reading, aren’t I?” after I had asked him to put away a magazine. Given his history of violence, I fully expected to see a book flying by my head. Each time he came at me with a flurry of disrespectful words and gestures, I would repeat my request calmly and let him know how his words made me feel. I would give him different words to use to express his feelings and tell him I knew he could use them. He rarely did.

I knew Charles’s history was tragic. He had lost his mother to cancer several years earlier. He was being raised by a father whose experiences in Vietnam and whose history of incarceration had left him with little patience and a lot of anger. Within Charles’s world, there were questions of substance abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. Charles had been in and out of lockup and was always ready for a fight. His inability to control his anger and his low tolerance for feedback from anyone frightened many teachers away. He was barely connected to anyone and had plenty of good reasons to hate the world. He had few good reasons to “respect” any adult he encountered there.

The complaint of “disrespect”
The most common complaint I hear about “kids today,” like Charles, is that they lack respect. The most common solution I hear is: “Get tough! Kick 'm out! Show them who’s boss!” I certainly understand as well as anyone the frustration that evokes these responses. After all, the students who enter my special education classroom in a public Massachusetts high school come with the most “difficult” of histories. Like Charles's, their language is laced with profanity, opposition, and negativity. They push people away. They have been labeled “learning disabled, emotionally disturbed, behaviorally disordered, and delinquent,” and frequently behave in ways widely considered corrupt, immoral, rude, manipulative, and above all, disrespectful.

Although we do not accept students who require a secured facility, and physical restraint is only necessary in rare emergencies, these students are nevertheless feared by the school at large as hostile intruders. Many even blame the students” experiences with poverty, violence, abuse, neglect, and learning difficulties on the young people themselves. They are considered too expensive to serve, both in time and money. The bottom line seems to be that their disrespectful behavior has made them deserving targets of our disrespect.

For example, I think of the way some regular education teachers in my building responded to another one of my students, Tony. At first, Tony would get “in my face” any time he was corrected, or more benignly, storm out of the building. Over the course of almost two years, my colleagues on the special education staff and I were relentless in helping Tony process the confrontations he would get himself into. We emphasized regularly the idea that he was responsible for his reactions to people. He was beginning to get it.

While the regular education teachers did acknowledge a subtle difference in Tony’s posturing, and perhaps a bit more patience when he was spoken to, they did not credit the amount of work it took for Tony to make these changes. He was still considered by most regular education teachers to be surly, rude, and oppositional. “Respect for teachers should be automatic!” they would claim. “Why should we praise him for giving us what is our due?”

While their premise is correct “we all deserve respect “their response does not help Tony to learn. In fact, Tony is quite aware of their perceptions of him and once articulated to me:

“Why should I respect them, man? I don’t know 'em. Just because they’re teachers? Teachers shoved me into these programs in second grade. They never taught me nothin”. They look at me like I’m all that. That’s bulls–t, man. They need to earn it. What makes them so special?”

Respect is deserved and earned
My years of experience as a special education teacher have taught me one simple lesson over and over again: if you want to get respect, you have to give it first. No matter how difficult these students may be, they deserve to be acknowledged as worthy human beings, to have their struggles and limitations considered and their errors forgiven. I have learned that there are concrete ways to show challenging students this kind of respect and still survive the experience.

I am neither a martyr nor a saint. Contrary to popular belief, I do not have an endless supply of patience and a blissful expression on my face as students ignore, defy, and insult me. What I do have is a deep belief in their worth as human beings. I know my students to be capable of respectful relationships and responsible decisions, even though their actions often indicate otherwise.

In our program, we try to flip frequently heard, stigmatizing labels into more respectful ones that recognize this. My colleagues and I call our formidable students skeptical, jaded, funny, resilient, resourceful, creative, and fiercely loyal. They are anything but “throwaway” kids. On the contrary, our top priority for new students is establishing respect and trust in our relationships with them.

However, we make it clear that there will be specific and fair consequences for unacceptable behavior. We emphasize students” positive attributes, but also respond strongly to any negative actions. Treating these students with respect does not mean letting them do as they please. We are not so naive as to think we will “save” them all. But we know they learn from our daily treatment of them. We know the importance of our respectful communications with them. We also know they cannot learn self-respect and respect for others unless they experience it themselves.

For most of our students, honesty and mutual respect have not been prominent in their experiences. Their histories have given them few reasons to trust. They are reluctant to form healthy attachments and in many cases, do not know how. But time spent building trust is well worth the effort. Unless they trust and respect you, you cannot reach or teach them.

Putting it into practice
Admittedly, it is very difficult to deal respectfully with students so jaded and hardened. How can we begin to do it? How do we practice respect in our work with difficult children? How do we maintain respect for our work when the climate of our times does not?

There are concrete, simple, and practical ways to establish a respectful environment for students, even those who are most troublesome. Yet in the multitude of tasks involved in teaching these students, we sometimes overlook or forget the obvious. The ideas listed below were thought of long ago, by many different people, but I believe them to be worth revisiting. Perhaps hearing how our program attempts to earn students' trust and gain their respect will inspire your own work.

Set the tone for the day. Each morning, students are welcomed into our classrooms with a handshake, warm smile, and upbeat greeting. This welcome is continued throughout the day. Even after difficult situations arise, every effort is made to engender the feeling that students are wanted.

Discover “generational” student interests. My colleagues and I spend time learning about the interests of the age group we are teaching. The art and music of today are very different from that of even 10 years ago! While you might not enjoy all that you see and hear, try to understand it as a reflection of what is important to them. Each morning, I put a lyric from a contemporary song (for my students, it is rap, rock, or alternative) on the board. It is up to the students to figure out the artist and title. It is a challenge they enjoy. We discuss controversies surrounding music and look for common ground in appreciation of the arts.

Discover “individual” student interests. Every student has interests outside school. Even the students who spend much of their energy in illegal activities have favorite legal pursuits. For example, some of our more incorrigible students love dirtbikes. Once I discovered this, I made periodic comments that acknowledged their enthusiasm. It did not take long, but it showed I found them interesting and worthy of attention.

Share your personal interests. If you hope for students to respectfully share of themselves, set the example for self-revelation. Two or three times a week, I begin classes with a personal anecdote. This can range from a travel adventure to an experience shopping the day before. I try to make them interesting and incorporate reactions to things. They enjoy it when I have felt embarrassed or awkward. It proves I am human and not so far from their usual state of being. In essence, it normalizes their feelings and works to move us closer to each other in shared humanity.

Look for decency. In even the most outwardly offensive student, there is something decent. It may be tiny, buried beneath monstrous behaviors. But it is worth the search, for it is the place to begin teaching respect. When you find the grain of decency, you can reinforce it, bring it to daylight as often as possible and use it to create a base upon which self-respect grows.

Be honest and nonjudgmental. Whether you are confronting a question like “So how come I can’t read?” or doling out a consequence for misbehavior, you must be straightforward and clear. Evasive and cryptic responses are patronizing, often leaving the student confused and angry. While one might think they spare hurt feelings, they do not.

When John, a 17-year-old student reading at a fourth-grade level, asked if he was stupid, he really wanted to understand. I did not pretend he could read “just fine” or say he would improve if he just worked harder. Instead, we briefly talked about how he learns, about the fact that his preferred learning style is not the mode to which schools typically teach. We spoke of his comfort and strength in hands-on tasks like those in power mechanics. In a few simple, direct statements, we acknowledged his struggle, but reiterated his ability. Here we re-established the rules of communication: honesty equals respect.

Practice forgiveness. Easier said than done, right? When students lash out, it is tough to look at them without lingering resentment. No one is perfect. Each of us has experienced moments we regret. Because they are infrequent, we hope for, and expect, another chance. But these students frequently misbehave. However, it is possible to hold them accountable for their actions, while allowing for mistakes and a fresh start. If they are made responsible through natural, consistent consequences, coupled with forgiveness, attempts at self-control and respectful interactions will increase. If you offer the hope of change, you respect the possibility of growth in their humanity and civility.

Enjoy your students. Look hard for moments in which to share laughter. Genuinely appreciate that they are individuals worth knowing. For these young people, it is not a common experience. They will remember it always.

Preventing burnout
In dealing respectfully with students, the young person is not the only one who must be considered. What about the teacher? Putting the above into practice is tough for a teacher when he or she has weathered months of relentless disrespect and misbehavior. Maintaining self-respect when overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated can feel impossible. Additionally, it is hard to continually work at something with little or no visible success. Often, despite our best efforts, we do not “save” the student. We cannot fight the tide that overwhelms and drowns them. We merely offer a “water wing” for the arm of a student fighting a tidal wave.

However, there are things we can keep in mind to help us keep our sanity, our spirits up, and our dignity intact.

Rude behavior has a ripple effect, but we can turn the tide. There are natural reactions to disrespectful behavior. To deny our own emotional responses is dishonest. No one likes to be treated poorly. But we must interrupt the concentric circles of negativity. We should allow our reactions, but should not allow them to influence future interactions. Try the following progression when faced with disrespectful behavior:

  1. Recognize your reaction. In your mind, name it, i.e., “It makes me furious when they do that!”

  2. Withhold your judgment. It is impossible to know, in the heat of the moment, why someone is reacting the way they are, what is driving their behavior. We all know how much baggage students bring with them each day. Do not assume anything.

  3. Look for ways to diffuse your feelings. For example, when the situation is over, identify two or three teachers with whom you can be honest. This is different from gossip. Rather, it is a release of your emotional energy.

Don’t take things personally. We are not responsible for every aspect of a student’s life. Be responsible for your classroom and the quality of the environment in which they learn. Keep your own standards high, but remember you are only a small piece of a student’s world, and often not the most important one.

Keep your compassion, not your pity. Compassion in action is the essence of good, effective teaching. Pity is disrespectful and condescending. Students deserve your understanding but need to feel that you believe them capable, despite their difficulties.

Honor the work you do. Despite what some politicians and others may say, all children deserve an education. All children should be treated with respect. You are doing the most difficult job, fighting discouraging odds – you are working for human dignity and worth. They are honorable principles. It is fundamental and important work. You and your work should be honored. Period.

Why I keep trying
I began with the statement that respect should underlie all teaching, especially for those who exhibit the least respectful behavior. When you cannot achieve academic goals, respectful interaction is even more crucial. Something will be learned and earned that is perhaps more important than a high school diploma. Consider the end of Charles’s story ...

Over time, Charles and I came to some understanding. I could usually get him to complete some work. He would often let me intervene when a fight was brewing in the hallways. He came to trust that I would listen to him without judgment. He knew I would forgive his mistakes while not condoning his actions.

However, Charles’s behavior made it very difficult to persevere with a respectful approach. There was very little to validate that we were truly teaching Charles another way to interact. Delinquent behavior continued in school and out. Finally, at the end of the year, Charles decided to drop out. With relief, the school administration agreed to it. The future seemed grim and predictable. The court system was waiting in the wings. All of us who had come to care for Charles felt depressed. Despite all indications to the contrary, we felt there was something good and decent about the boy, and we could not believe all our efforts were for naught.

On the last day of school, my colleague and I took Charles out to lunch. We had a nice time, although it all felt pretty sad. As we were leaving, Charles asked if we could stop by his house. He said he had something for me. When we got there, he brought me behind the house where, amazingly enough, he was tending rose bushes. He told me his mother had loved these flowers, and so each year he planted one in her honor. He wanted me to have a rose he had been watching over for the last two weeks, which he felt was just right. As I watched him carefully and gently snip the stem, I remembered why I keep trying.

This feature: Goulet, L. (1997). Maintaining respect under fire. Reaching Today’s Youth, 1, 4. pp. 17-20.

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