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Guide reminds
divorcing parents to think of the children
Can you keep your kids' lives together
when your marriage comes apart?
“It takes a lot of work,” says Corrinne Morrissey,
president of the Union League Civic and Arts Foundation, which has
produced “Transition,” a free guide for parents to help children
navigate divorce.
There are about 27,000 divorces in Cook County annually. Oftentimes, the
warring adults are so occupied with finances or revenge, they forget
that the third party — the kids — are going through the divorce, too,
she said.
The booklet was produced by divorce attorney Richard Doermer and
Benjamin Mackoff, former chief judge of the Cook County Domestic
Relations court.
“We're hoping the booklet will encourage parents not to use their
children as pawns,” Morrissey says.
Indeed, parents who try to get their kids to take sides may be guilty of
“parental alienation of affection” — and that can be grounds for denying
custody or limiting visitation, said Doermer. Kids should not even be
used as messengers between spouses.
That's the lawyer's job.
Spells out rights
Mackoff says some of the booklet reflects lessons
taught in a county-run “Focus on Children” program, a four-hour class
for parents involved in contentious divorces.
Often one spouse feels so rejected “they think their concerns are the
greatest,” said Mackoff. The booklet covers some of the legal rights of
the adults but also tries to emphasize that “the kids' concerns are the
greatest,” he said.
Among the key points:
- Kids are typically emotionally distraught and
often feel they are to blame for the breakup. Boys tend to act more
aggressively, with common signs being yelling or disobeying
teachers. Girls might withdraw, seem excessively tired or have
crying episodes. Children may revert to bedwetting or thumb sucking.
- Parents shouldn't expect children to sympathize
with their grief — it's natural for kids to primarily think about
themselves. Older children may worry more about what their friends
at school may think of them being from a “broken home.”
- Don't argue in front of the children because,
research shows, unmanaged conflict can emotionally damage them. Do
not criticize the other parent to the children — kids intellectually
process such attacks as criticism of themselves.
- Joint custody does not mean equal time with the
child. “Children need one place to call home,” Doermer and Mackoff
write.
- Typical visitation means alternating weekends, a
midweek evening during the school year, split holidays and exclusive
vacation time. Kids are not allowed to dictate visitation. Kids'
extracurricular activities do not come before a parent's right to
visitation.
- Don't expect the divorce court judge to solve all
the problems: The system is clogged, with judges in northern
Illinois juggling as many as 1,000 cases each.
“Transition” will be distributed in Cook County family
courts. Copies are also available by contacting the Union League
foundation through
www.civicandarts.org or by calling (312) 435-5961.
Andrew Herrmann
16 May 2005
http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-divorce16.html
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