There are two issues here: one is
the problem of stealing; the other has to do with self-disclosure.
STEALING
Three brief thoughts regarding
the stealing, which appears to be chronic (mother says he steals from
her all the time) and serious (electronics stores usually have good
security and high-priced merchandise).
First, diagnostically, with
stealing we are always haunted by the possibility of sociopathy or
personality disorder. We can generally exclude this by looking for the
presence (or absence) of other groups of personality or behaviour
traits. You will get the feel of this as you continue working with Jonny:
be reassured as you see that he has the capacity for a relationship, for
responsibility, for consideration for others, and for patience. Because
the prognosis for a sociopath is usually so poor, we prefer to explore
alternative diagnostic routes for a time. While we must be aware of
"worst-case scenario" possibilities, let’s rather go with the positive.
Second, speaking as a
psychologist, I must say that I have never found an interpretive
approach to stealing to be of much practical help. One often hears
suggestions that youngsters are "stealing" love or some other symbolic
something, but while we are theorizing amongst complex metaphysical
explanations, the kid isn’t getting much real help from us.
And third, ultimately, most
kids that I have worked with who steal just haven’t learned the rights
and wrongs of stealing, or they haven’t learned the seriousness of what
they are doing, as these things relate to the wider world beyond their
own immediate families and communities. They need the social and moral
learning and experience that will only come through some sort of
consistent and valued relationships with others.
(There is a fourth
consideration, namely that of the possible instrumental nature of
stealing: that is, the youngster is stealing consciously to support some
other habit or "solve" some other problem. The stealing is then a
secondary issue.)
SELF-DISCLOSURE
Leading from the third point
above, you have arrived in Jonny’s life at a good time, developmentally
speaking — just when he is starting to polish his idea of what an adult
is and how he sees himself in relation to that image. We don’t know
anything about his father (how long he has been away from the family,
what sort of person he is, how Jonny feels about him), but if you are
going to be seeing quite a lot of Jonny, you are certainly going to
present him with some you-shaped identity ideas and ideals.
Already the boy is sounding you
out and wanting to discover where you are coming from (we decided to go
with the positives, remember, and to assume that you are not being drawn
into some manipulative game), and here you are worrying about
self-disclosure issues. I think that any guidelines around this are more
concerned with over-identification with a client than with
shared knowledge about each other. (If you were still bugged by your
own past problem, then there would be a problem here.)
Self-disclosure is more complex
than getting into "you show me yours and I’ll show you mine" stuff.
There is a fine line between self-disclosure on the one hand, and
role-modelling or behaviour-modelling on the other. You will be spending
time with Jonny, talking, doing things, and going places. A major
by-product of this will be the picture he forms of who you are, what you
think and feel, and how you function as a person — in meeting
challenges, solving problems, having fun, and so on.
On the one hand, I don’t think
you can escape this level of self-disclosure. You may be the only chance
we have of showing Jonny a red-blooded identity model, a representative
not only of the human race but also of society, that will help him sort
out some values, make some choices, establish some priorities.
On the other hand, you have one
very strong card in your hand: you had a similar problem when you were a
kid — and you grew out of it. This is probably the best "key" to the
situation. Yes, you once had this problem yourself, but it is something
that kids do. Jonny, at 14, is easing out of the age of being a "kid,"
and looking for directions as he tracks ideas about being an adult.
It looks like you’re in a
position to be a significant adult in his life right now — and for this
he needs to get to know you.
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