A leading headteacher recently launched a blistering attack on
parents who divorce, claiming they are selfish and that schools have to
pick up the pieces for the children involved.
Separating without tearing the kids apart
Graham Able told the Headmasters’ and Headmistresses’ Conference that
some couples were pursuing their “self-gratification no matter what the
cost to others”. He went on to say that children from broken homes can
suffer in their school work and behaviour and that they often find it
more difficult to relate to other pupils and adults.
It’s a view shared by child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, who’s also
the founder of parenting website www.raisingkids.co.uk.
She says: “There’s no doubt about it. Divorce will affect all
children, apart from very young children, even when it’s an amicable
arrangement. If it’s a non-amicable arrangement, if there’s fighting
over the children and if there’s bad feeling between the adults, then
obviously that makes it worse.
“Recent research has found that children of divorced parents, even
when there was an amicable separation, suffered — they did less well at
school and were often emotionally disturbed. Boys, particularly those in
the 11-14 age range, were said to be negatively and psychologically
affected by the loss of their father.” She adds that a majority of divorced fathers lose contact with their
children within two years of getting divorced.
“Sometimes the consequences are not of divorce, but of a change in
living patterns. Often a family becomes economically worse off after a
divorce and this can have an effect on the child, particularly if they
have to move and they lose contact with people they know.”
Spungin’s personal view is that children are better off with two
parents who are in conflict rather than two parents who are divorced.
“Children are often relatively impervious to what goes on between
their parents as long as they are both there,” she argues. “My own
parents often argued but I never had any fears that they were going to
divorce, and I think that stability is very important. The arguments
were accepted as being part of a healthy relationship.”
But although it might be best for parents to stay together, the
reality is that the divorce rate is unlikely to plummet.
So how can parents, who decide they have no choice but to split,
minimise the impact of divorce on their kids?
Caroline James, Counselling Supervisor for Childline, says some
people think they are protecting their children by not telling them what
is going on — but youngsters need to be talked to honestly.
Last year, nearly 1,500 children called Childline (0800 1111) because
they had concerns about their parents divorcing or separating. James
says most of them were confused and worried, and also scared that they
would lose the love of one of their parents.
She says: “A lot of children tell us that what affects them most is a
lack of communication as they are not being told what’s happening. They
can sense that there is something wrong but they don’t really know what
it is.
“By not knowing the reality, their fears take over. It fills children
with anxiety to think that there is something wrong between their
parents and that they might lose one of their parents.”
Children, she says, need to have their minds put at rest and be
reassured that the situation is not as bad as it can seem.
“From what children tell us, they would rather be told what’s
happening rather than not know. It might upset them but they would
rather know the truth.”
Children should also be consulted about who they would like to live
with, James advises. “We realise that it can’t always happen, and
sometimes it’s not practical, but it’s important to let them know that
they have been acknowledged and consulted.”
Children may hide their feelings towards the conflict as they tend to
be quite protective of their parents, and it is vital that parents take
the time to listen to and answer any worries that they have. Youngsters
should also be encouraged to admit their true feelings.
What else can parents do to help their kids cope with divorce?
James says: “The important thing is to keep reassuring children that
both parents love them, no matter what happens, and that the divorce is
not their fault.”
By Shereen Low
24 October 2003
http://www.news.scotsman.com/latest.cfm?id=2052949
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