Thinking about Mary

Mary has only been with us in the group home for about two weeks now. I know this is her first time in placement because she was placed here directly from home as an emergency late one night. She seems really fragile for a 16-year-old girl.

From what I understand, she comes from a violent family made up of her mother, herself and two younger sisters. Apparently her father used to beat everyone in the family, especially after he’d been drinking for a few hours. Her mother would get beaten for almost anything and it seems that whenever he was violent with the girls it was because they tried to define themselves, through their behaviour, as something other than what he thought they should be.

She’s been pretty quiet since she moved in; complying with program demands and doing what’s expected of her without any fuss. She talks to the other kids and the staff when they approach her but, I swear, if no one approached her she’d just sit in the corner reading all day. Some of the staff think she’s still in shock, but I don’t know. The night she was placed here, the police had found her cowering in the corner of her bedroom after both she and her mother had been beaten by her father. It was one of her younger sisters who had called the police.

Her mother is living in a shelter now with her two sisters but the social worker thought that Mary needed more than what the shelter could offer. Since she’s been here, she hasn’t had any contact with the rest of her family and she hasn’t tried to reach them. It’s like they don’t exist for each other. And that’s about all we know about her, to date — except that the male staff feel she’s somehow seductive and the women say she’s distant in her relationships with them.

I’m on my way to the team meeting where we’re going to talk about her. I wonder what we should focus on?          —  A.F.

SITUATION RESPONSE

First, I’m thinking about Mary and how, in two whole weeks, we haven’t really connected with her at all. What do we know? What do I know? She’s been so quiet, so compliant. I hear lots of assumptions being made, and I find myself falling into them as well. But, what do we really know?

What are the things that Mary would normally be doing every day that are now interrupted? What time does she normally get up? Does she like breakfast ... she does whatever she is told to here, but that really tells us little beyond the fact that "doing what is expected" is one way she is coping with this unfamiliar situation.

We do know she likes being by herself whenever possible. I know people think she’s reading but I don’t think she’s reading ... well, if she is, she sure is slow. She had the same book turned to the same page now for three nights.

I’m afraid of what she is thinking and feeling, all by herself in her quiet, alone world of compliance. On the other hand, when kids or staff approach her, she not only answers what they ask, but I’ve seen her ask about them or notice something like how John has a good set of tapes. So she is able to get outside herself. Is she still in shock? Who am I to answer that at this point? On the no side: she seems to be in touch with what’s going on around her ... no longer curled up in a ball like the night they found her; she’s eating, though I don’t know if she’s eating as she does typically for her; she sleeps through the night ... no nightmares; she takes care of her physical appearance. On the yes side: I’d be in shock if what happened to her had happened to me, but then I also think of this type of shock as a normal reaction — a time in which I need to know I’m not alone and need to feel that the world isn’t collapsing, but not a pathological reaction; I guess some people might take her "emotional coolness" as an indication of the dulling sensation of shock reaction, but hell, I think she’s holding it together and, in the company of strangers and in an unfamiliar place, is "waiting it out." I think she’s in pain, but I guess I’m back to realizing that at this point we really have little idea of what she is going through and how she sees it.

I want to run through her everyday life and get a picture of what we do and don’t know. For example, I don’t yet know if she goes to school (being 16 I assume she does), and where? and how is she doing there? does she have friends? who at school might have been aware of her home situation?

Yes, I think I’d better focus on just what we know and don’t know about Mary, who is 16, has been living in a painful family situation for a while (well, I guess it’s a while), has two younger sisters and is by herself in a new situation.

Now I’m wondering about the "system cracks" that happen over and over again. The one where everyone thinks someone else is looking after something and no one is. I know some staff feel it’s odd that Mary hasn’t asked about her family and that her mom hasn’t made contact with her, but, I wonder if anyone in our system has taken on the responsibility of letting Mary know how her family is doing and of inquiring of both Mary and her mom how they want to connect at this time. I know one assumption I do have and that is, Mary has to be wondering what happened with her dad.

All this leads to the very basic issue I’ll have to raise: I know I haven’t done it, but who has given Mary just plain information about what is happening to her life, how she landed here, and not her sisters, etc.?

I suppose the question of whether there is sexual abuse will come up. The logs mention that she is "seductive" with male staff and "distant" with females. This, her general compliance and what is reported of her family situation, would all fit for the likelihood of abuse. I know one thing we need to clarify first, and that is what is actually meant by the reports of her being "seductive" and "distant." It’s too easy for us to nod in agreement to interpretations. We’ve been through this before: while this type of behaviour pattern may indicate of history of abuse, I think it’s also possible that her reactions are a combination of protecting herself in an unfamiliar situation by being "distant" and the normal reactions of a 16-year-old girl around some young, attractive single males, staff though they may be. For me, not opening up emotionally under these circumstances is quite a reasonable way of reacting — why should she trust us immediately, etc.? I think it’s too early to interpret this "distancing" as a symptom. I’m going to remind all of us that it has only been two weeks since she came, that she arrived under pretty painful circumstances and that there is more we don’t know than do know about her in general. We really also must clarify just what is being perceived as "seductive."

So, I guess I’m going in to get a clear picture of just what we know. Guess while I’m at it, the most critical point is that we know virtually nothing directly from Mary. And then there will be that tense part of the meeting when someone (I hope it’s someone other than me) notes that Mary herself is not at this meeting.

Well, for now, I’ll let this one go and try to move us to determining who amongst us has the best chance of getting as close to Mary as we can right now. Not knowing what’s going on in her head, coupled with her outward compliance makes me really uneasy about being about to help Mary be safe — from herself. She’s too easy to miss in the general ruckus around here. I think I’ll raise the need for constant attention and that we tell Mary we are doing this and why.

I wonder what the social worker will be able to tell us about her family situation. What is happening to her mom and her two sisters and her dad, and especially why did her sister call the police this time, and why was her sister the one to do this?

So, to the meeting with more questions than answers. Yep, that’s what I’m going to focus on ...