Angry parents teach children from a young age to discount foes as people

The fatal shooting of a 15-year-old boy in the north end of the city has many pointing the finger of blame at everything from lax school security to violent video games.

But some experts think there is a more insidious factor that helps create youth violence: adult behaviour. Parenting and bullying expert Barbara Coloroso says children take in everything. Not just the video games, movies and television shows, but also the way parents deal with other people. "Television, video games and music) is part of the mix," she says. "It's something we need to look at in the big picture . . . It includes the way you and I relate to one another. It includes the way our Parliament relates to one another. It includes how we behave on the streets and how we treat children."

Often parents think little of doing things such as sounding off at the idiot who just cut in front of them on the highway, or rolling their eyes at the shopper in front of them who stops to read the labels in the grocery store. Adults may even choose to ignore the kids who are keying the car of their neighbour three houses down.

But the problem with these narcissistic behaviours, Coloroso says, is that we are teaching children to discount others. "When we see people as adversaries, obstacles to our success or outside of our circle of moral concern, that's when we see them as an 'it'," she says, adding that the media unwittingly reinforce this by repeating government phrases such as "collateral damage," or "friendly fire," when referring to people killed in war. "Those are human beings."

Jordan Manners, a 15-year-old Grade 9 student, was shot and killed Wednesday at C.W. Jefferys Collegiate Institute in Toronto. The school is located near the Jane-Finch corridor, an area of Toronto noted for years for its high crime rate.

Reports indicate there was a fight outside and that Manners was followed into the school. Police are still searching for a suspect. Coloroso says that of course most parents aren't killers and try to teach their kids right from wrong. But if you add the way parents inadvertently teach children to discount others to the culture of violent entertainment, the volatility of peer pressure and adolescent hormones, violence can result.

Kevin Guest, a detective sergeant with Toronto Police and author of "Youth Violence: How to Protect Your Kids" says kids pick up every bit of behaviour they see, especially that of their parents. "Role modelling is a huge thing and it is a hard thing to be cognitive of . . . everyday things like road rage," he said. "If we are in a road rage situation and showing our children that's how we deal . . . it doesn't come as any surprise that these types of things can happen. Now of course a shooting is something obviously way outside the bounds of something that is normal. "But I guess all indications is this thing started from something that was fairly minor and, you know, this was the end result."

Guest says that in recent times, people have a detachment from their community and that when we show our children that we are unconcerned about our neighbours, they pick up on that uncaring attitude. "There's a certain detachment from the community . . . maybe that's got something to do with it," he says. "Violence seems to come a lot easier."

He says most young people don't think beyond that moment, and it is up to the adults to drive home that fact. Guest, who, with the Toronto Argonauts, gives talks to schools about violence and bullying, says adults need to keep talking about youth violence and underline the outcomes.

He likens the situation to drunk driving. It used to be that no one thought about having a few cocktails and then getting behind the wheel. But once the real cost of drunk driving was revealed - not simply loosing one's licence but perhaps loosing one's life - people started to pay attention. "When I talk about the consequences of violence, I don't talk about in terms of 'Oh you're going to get suspended from school,' or 'You're never going to get a career this way.' It's 'You could end up without a leg. You could end up in a wheelchair. You could end up dead.' "

Lorrayne Anthony
May 24, 2007

http://www.canada.com/cityguides/halifax/info/story.html?id=128df493-0ff2-450d-9b31-cc25341557cf&k=44358

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