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Marriage sure ain't child's play
Remember that children's rhyme? I do. Eons ago I played patty cake to it with my sister and friends. On the playground, it became the common tease when someone discovered who liked whom. Today those words sound vaguely old-fashioned. Marriage and babies don't always fall in the same sentence. Because what was expected in my mother's generation and encouraged in mine turns out to be a mere lifestyle choice these days. Times are a-changing, and confirmation arrives, once again, in the numbers. A new survey reports a trend most of us have already noticed: Marriage is no longer about having children, and children aren't always the result of marriage. A just-released Pew Research Center Survey showed that the number of Americans who consider children essential to marriage has dropped sharply since 1990. In fact, Little Jose and Suzy tumbled to eighth out of nine on a list of factors that respondents identify as "very important" to a good marriage. In a 1990 survey, the kiddies came in third. So what factors do the Mr. and Mrs. rank above the Li'l Munchkins when it comes to a successful marriage? Sharing household chores, good housing, adequate income, faithfulness, common religious beliefs, a happy sexual relationship and shared tastes and interests. The survey also found that, by a 3-to-1 margin, Americans believe the main purpose of marriage is the couple's mutual happiness, not the bearing and raising of children. Surprised? Not me. More and more young couples see children as a choice, not a commandment. Some agree not to complicate their lives with offspring, and, if and when they do opt into it, parenting tends to be squeezed between education and job promotions, a choreographed tango that, performed correctly, may be best for the survival of the family in a world where two-earner couples receive little help from employers. Some experts, however, worry that this growing self-centeredness, this aching need for self-fulfillment and personal satisfaction, doesn't always bode well for generations to come. "It allows us to grow and change throughout our lives, and most Americans value that," sociology professor Andrew Cherlin told The Washington Post. "On the other hand, our relationships are much more fragile because we think we should leave them if they become unsatisfying." It is a painful verity that the "we" is much harder to negotiate than the "me." Just ask anyone who has been in a long-term relationship. It is also an irrefutable truth that the best setting in which to nurture children is marriage. Consult a kid of divorce if you doubt. Yet I'm not as worried about the widening gap between parenthood and marriage as I am about the climb in unwed motherhood among 20-somethings. Deciding not to have children, or postponing their arrival, speaks to something more than what, a generation ago, might have been labeled selfishness. It's a healthy awareness that raising kids demands sacrifice, stamina and stability. What's more, while the pitter-patter of little feet may not be as central to today's marriage, children nonetheless remain on a pedestal for parents. The Pew survey found that kids were considered the source of adult happiness among the moms and dads who responded. About 85 percent of parents with children younger than 18 described those relationships as the top reason for fulfillment -- above free-time activities, careers and jobs and other relationships. Lucky kids. Ana Veciana-Suarez |
