MALLS: A PARODY ON ONE WAY TO SOLVE PROBLEMS

Youth movement: Move on, kids

Thanks for coming, everybody.

Today we will announce the new policy at our suburban mall designed to deal with recent problems with crime, violence, parking lot terrorism and other general disruptions by a small segment of mall customers.

As some of you may know, the mall decided to implement this new policy after a rash of incidents that threatened to ruin the positive mall-going experience of a vast majority of customers who patronize the mall frequently with little or no problems.

It was management's decision to respond to the rash of incidents at the mall - most of which were given disproportionate coverage in the local media, by the way - in order to assure the vast majority of law-abiding mall customers who frequently patronize our mall with little or no trouble that we take any and all disruptions of the positive mall-going experience with great seriousness.

For that vast majority of mall customers, some details of this new mall policy might seem overly restrictive or even discriminatory. Nevertheless, management decided these measures simply had to be implemented.

With that succinct preamble, I would like to announce some specifics of the new mall policy.

As previously reported, the new policy will specifically target a category of mall customers considered "young people." The definition of "young people" will most likely range from recent birth to at least 18 years old.

Any young person within that age range will be required to be accompanied by a parental escort during a restricted period in order to gain mall entrance. Young people deemed older than 18 but younger than 22 years old will be required to show identification when questioned by mall security or police.

We believe the parental escort requirement will be a huge part of making this policy successful.

In designing this policy, we took into consideration the fact that many parents tell their kids to "go to the mall" in order to get them out of their hair for a few hours. We also debated the feasibility of today's teenager accepting any new rule that requires them to bring their parents along whenever they hang out with their friends.

If the kids really want to buy the latest CD, iPod or jeans, they will have to persuade their parents to come with them. I'm sure most good parents would be happy to comply, just like the Huxtables on "The Cosby Show."

When it comes to young people admitted to the movie theater, which has been a source of problems recently, the parental escort rule will be paramount. Since many Hollywood movies already require children to be accompanied by their parents, we decided it's not that much of a stretch to strictly enforce parental escort rules at the theater.

After all, how many of today's kids are all that interested in seeing an R or PG film with their parents sitting right next to them? I thought so.

The new mall policy will also seek to regulate which movies are best suited for the new policy. Certain films with certain movie stars will be strictly prohibited. No rappers in their first film role, for instance. No film with a rapper holding a gun on the poster will be permitted, either. (A poster of Samuel L. Jackson holding a gun will generally be allowed, though.)

All new Eddie Murphy films will be permitted, as long as he's playing an animated character or a variety of funny roles in heavy makeup, particularly an overweight black woman.

Lastly, we think it's vitally important to make clear the race-neutral aspect of the new mall policy. If you've been paying attention, you might have noticed none of these new rules or restrictions has made mention of any particular racial group. That's important; if we did mention race, some folks in town would be all over us so fast it would make your head spin.

The mall has no intention of targeting young males of any particular racial background, just the ones with baggy pants, expensive basketball sneakers, do-rags, oversize sweat shirts and a decidedly "urban" vernacular.

It's important the mall maintain its good reputation with the vast majority of law-abiding, well-behaved patrons who visit regularly from the nearby suburbs. We also welcome patrons from the city of Milwaukee who share our standards and values, particularly those who don't come with the intention of freaking out the rest of us.

Granted, this new policy might not make our institution as user-friendly for the vast majority of law-abiding young people in our community who have gotten used to hanging out at the mall with friends, just as their parents once did. In that regard, what we are saying to today's youth is, we're not your parents' mall anymore.

And with this new policy, we're certainly not yours.

Eugene Kane
3 March 2007

http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=572806

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