LIVING WITH KIDS

How to talk, listen and bond with teens

Although it may come as a surprise for most parents, arguing for teenagers is normal. Teens are at a time in their lives when they are searching for who they are and what they are about, says Bill Dwyer, chief operating officer at Campag na Academy for troubled youths in Schererville, Ind.

On Saturday, Dwyer, as well as Shannon Ryszka and Heidi Badgley, both therapists at the academy, offered advice to a handful of parents at the LaPorte First United Methodist Church about building relationships and communicating with their teens as part of the “Insight to a Teen’s Mind” program. "As a parent, it is OK not to have all of the answers, Dwyer said. Together, you can come up with the answers, he said. If you pretend to know everything, then you are separated. In communicating with teens, parents should be brief in making their point as well as respectful, direct, relevant, patient and open. Stay calm, you’re in control, Dwyer said. Listen more than you talk and stay focused. When there’s a power struggle, you’re going nowhere. According to Dwyer, it is important for parents to stay away from arguments. Teens are not looking for judgment. You need to listen, talk, relax and get the point. As soon as there is an argument, you’ve lost them, he said. You have to remember that a lot of times, teens are treating you badly because they feel safe with you.”

Parents should also find the right time to talk to their teens -- and never in front of their friends, he said. “You may get what you want at the moment, but you’ve lost the war, he said. In listening to their teens, parents should listen with a purpose and stop what they are doing as well as accept their children’s emotions, he said. An adult’s job is to mold their children and help them communicate with the right emotions. Don’t argue with them, instead help them by guiding them in exploring their emotions, he said, adding that parents need to control their facial expressions and hand movements as well. Make sure you’re face is not saying something different than you are. Body language is more important than words.”

Building relationships takes time, said Ryszka, and that does not mean the relationship will be perfect or without argument. “Wanting and needing a relationship are two different things, she said. Don’t be surprised if your teenager does not want a relationship with you at a time when they’re trying to figure out who they are. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. You have to manage all of these feelings and still realize they need you.” As a way of connecting with their teens, parents should use everyday interactions to build closeness, such as car rides, mealtime, vacations, shopping trips and game nights, Ryszka said. These opportunities provide you the chance to interact and talk together, she said, noting the six steps to having a healthy relationship with your teens, including showing your love, taking an interest in their lives, supporting them, talking with them, listening to them and having fun with them. Find out why they like certain things and what makes them feel a certain way and talk about it.”

As far as discipline, all children need rules and expectations to help them learn appropriate behavior, said Badgley. For example, if children are fighting over the television, computer or video game, turn it off. If children break the rule about where they can go on their bikes, take the bikes away for a few days. “Children need to know what the rules are and parents need to be very clear and purposeful that if the rules are not followed there will be consequences, she said, adding that it’s also very important for children to have responsibilities in the home. Chores teach them responsibility and provide the opportunity to reward their behavior and set the stage for them to succeed.”

Colleen Mair
9 November 2006

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