The dangers of positive
reinforcement in children
Modern parents are too often promoting their child as
the best on the block instead of training their children to compete in
the world outside the home.
In our modern society too many people, especially
children, are being told everything they do is terrific. It is
practically like being a publicist for a child making them feel they are
perennial stars. In our present politically correct communications
straight jacket, no one really knows how well or how poorly he is doing
since there are few expectations. Everyone believes he is doing well
because no one breaks the unspoken rule of informing another person with
an honest but critical comment. In the absence of honest feedback,
character formation and skill development plummets.
By dumbing down standards we are encouraging a world
of mediocrity and a breeding ground for individual disappointment
followed by full-blown depression. We have "reality shows" but little
reality. We are living in a world where coaches play everyone regardless
of skills even at the high school level. Scores are not kept so no one
loses and mistakes are ignored instead of corrected. Teachers inflate
grades and mark corrections in purple instead of red not to offend the
sensibilities of the students. Children are led to think they are
entitled to any material thing they may want from parents who are
fearful that withholding material things will lower their child's
self-esteem. This approach has resulted in children who think they are
doing great in everything while rarely are competent in anything. It
promotes weak, lazy, unmotivated and unhappy children.
Many American parents have accepted the myth of
positive reinforcement as the panacea of raising children. Modern
parents are too often promoting their child as the best on the block
instead of training their children to compete in the world outside the
home. This cannot be done without honest criticism that allows the child
the opportunity to correct his bad habits. Pointing out only positive
aspects and ignoring the inappropriate behavior is giving the child a
false evaluation. A parent who only focuses on perceiving her child's
behavior in positive terms leaves herself blind to the weaknesses of
character and inappropriate behavior of the child. A parent using only
positive reinforcement unwittingly encourages the child to develop
manipulative techniques to avoid responsibility for inappropriate
actions. Although positive reinforcement is easier than traditional
discipline, it robs the child of knowing what he needs to improve. This
is a counter productive and unkind act. A compulsive need to positively
reinforce a child's behavior when the behavior is not exemplary is a
definitive sign that a parent is on a disastrous course in raising
children.
Unfortunately an overwhelming number of child
development experts are preaching the virtues of positive reinforcement
without informing the public of the pitfalls of excessive use of this
parenting approach. A child who feels he is receiving acceptance and
tacit approval for undesirable behavior is not receiving unconditional
loving help, rather he is being set up to accept lower personal
standards. Lacking consistent parental standards a child will not be
challenged to pick up the cues to extend himself to the next level of
personal growth. There needs to be a balance of positive reinforcement
with doses of reality. Only focusing on positive reinforcement leaves a
child with many blind spots. A child can have high self-esteem (false
esteem) and be intolerable. The child might be a demanding,
discourteous, dependent, lazy and obnoxious person -- yet feel terrific.
The credit for this misperception falls at the feet of the parents who
are following the skewed teaching of many of the child development
experts. After placing the rose-colored glasses of positive
reinforcement on the child, parents cannot protect the child from the
honest appraisal of peers, teachers, and most importantly employers.
Eventually, the child will face the reality of the world and will suffer
the pain of not meeting society's standards. Only through an honest
parental evaluation of the child's behavior can a child be trained to
face the world outside the home. Being too positive in evaluating a
child can be as destructive as being too critical.
Feeling self-importance without earning it is
self-delusion. Using only positive reinforcement without constructive
criticism will result in the child failing to develop "reality lenses"
necessary for negotiating through life. Solely relying on positive
reinforcement is a sign of poor parenting. We need to temper the use of
positive reinforcement with honest criticism. Should we fail to do this
we will pay the price of having out-of-control children who become
dysfunctional adults.
Dr. Maglio is the author of the newly released book
"Invasion Within," Regnery Publishing.
He is a psychotherapist and the owner/director of Wider Horizons School.
DOMENICK MAGLIO
19 November 2005
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