Society needs to change paradigm to stop bullies

Bullies and their counterparts, wimps, are increasing in number. Why? Let's examine what we tell our kids.

First: We tell them that they are bullied when they just get their feelings hurt. The result is many children become thin-skinned "cry babies." Then, when kids are actually being bullied, we tell them to tolerate the abuse. We tell them not to retaliate in self-defense because if he does he is the same as the bully. We teach to ignore or accept the bullying until the perpetrator gets tired of abusing him and goes away. The problem here: It doesn't work and it goes against human nature and perpetuates bullies and wimps.

According to the American Justice Department, "One out of four kids will be abused by another youth this month." Indeed bullying is a problem in the United States. But what do we expect when we have abandoned the concept of standing up for ourselves. A kid suffers under the attack of a bully and we tell the child to understand and befriend that bully. The aggressive child sees this as weakness and becomes more emboldened while the compliant child is further humiliated by him and other bullies confirming himself as a wimp. The wimp, like the hostage in the Stockholm syndrome, learns to idolize the abuser, taking on the same bullying behavior towards anyone lower on the pecking order.

Bullies have gone from being despised to being popular. The wimps rather than being encouraged or even teased by their own peers to stand up for themselves have been instructed to tolerate the abuse to escape getting into trouble with the authorities. Children are being taught to be wimps while bullies are learning "crime does pay." Usually school authorities treat bullies and their victims equally. It is easier to avoid a comprehensive, time-consuming investigation to get to the truth. It is more politically correct and less disruptive to give each child an equal consequence avoiding all the problems of judging who was the initiator, eliminating parents being irate in defense of their child.

Where does this all lead? Empowering bullies is a sure way to promote criminality. As bullies push the boundaries of decency it is only a matter of time before they break society's laws. Developing a wimpy population also has dire consequences for our nation. People who tolerate all forms of intimidation do nothing to impede evil tendencies in themselves and others and actually promote it. Acceptance of abusive behavior undermines everyone's peace. Peers of the child as well as adults need to have the courage to step into the middle of an abusive incident to force the bully to back down. The dignity of humanity demands strength to protect the weak and innocent.

Here are four ways of increasing resolve to stifle bullying.

1. Help your child develop "thick skin." Explain that he is not what the other person is calling him. "If they call you stupid are you stupid? If they call you a pink elephant does that make you one?" Teach him to understand that the name caller has the problem, not him.

2. Teach your kids to stand up for themselves when there is no supervision. When someone pushes them, push back. When another child says despicable things to your child teach him to say forcefully, "cut it out." If they hit him, tell him to hit them back.

3. A code of ethics to protect the innocent should be promoted by adults. Peers need to be encouraged to assert themselves to stop an unfair confrontation between an older or bigger child against a smaller or weaker child. This would exclude the culprit from the group rather than glorify her.

4. Investigate. Parents with their own children, and teachers with students, have to supervise to the best of their abilities and make careful investigations, judgments and punishments in dealing with bullying. Children have a right to the expectation of authority figures doing the job of protecting children from abusive behavior and to show them bullying does not pay.

Bullying is part of human nature. It has and it will continue to exist. Society, with proper standards and expectations, can keep it under control. Without an understanding of how our current practice of coddling and appeasing is fostering abusive behavior, we will continue this epidemic of bullying. We need to return to teaching our children that standing up for themselves and others is the best way to intimidate bullies into submission.

Domenick J. Maglio
May 18, 2006

http://www.lahontanvalleynews.com/article/20060518/Opinion/105180025

home / Previous viewpoint