Beware of demonizing troubled youth

A woman I met recently recommended the book "Murder Is No Accident: Understanding and Preventing Youth Violence in America." I needed to read that book. I've been the student assistance program coordinator at Buena High School for many years. Because of my experiences and reading, I know what's usually behind the problematic behavior of students. I do not believe students want to fail, nor do I believe students want to self-destruct.

What I do believe is that 99 percent of students at risk of dropping out, of drug involvement, of criminal behavior, violence and/or pregnancy are acting out childhood trauma. No one has shown them how to deal appropriately with their emotional pain. This belief has helped me remain compassionate and patient with students. However, this past school year, there were two teens for whom my patience and compassion almost ran out.

I'll start with Richard. Last year, he was sent to the office numerous times for inappropriate classroom behavior. Simply put, he was obnoxious in class. He threw spit wads; he announced that the assignments were "stupid"; when asked to hand over his CD player after the third warning, he swore at the teacher. He set fire to a girl's hair with his lighter (which he wasn't supposed to have at school). That incident got him kicked out of class.

He always had excuses: Teachers didn't like him, everyone was throwing spit wads, the assignments were "stupid," the wind blew her hair into the lighter. In one class, he insisted he be allowed to sit on the floor because the desks weren't comfortable.

His antics provided him with the attention he craved. He attended a few sessions of the anger-management support group on campus. He went to a couple of meetings for the family-issues support group. I don't think he heard much. He was expelled. He returned to Buena this last school year. I expected some growth in maturity. My hopes were dashed after the first visit with him. Excuses, excuses.

The other student I will call Ann. She was the queen of drama queens. Wherever she went, no matter who her friends were for that week, there was high drama. At first, I believed everything she said. I figured girls were threatening her because they were jealous. She was lovely. Then I heard some of the vile messages she left on girls' answering machines and read some of the venomous notes she wrote to other girls. A girl's stolen wallet was found in her backpack, but she had an excuse: A girl who didn't like her put it there. I saw her sitting in the office one day during lunch. "What are you doing here, Ann?" I asked. "Some girls want to beat me up, so I'm going to hang out here." I didn't bother to ask anything else. I was weary of her victim stories. Ann was expelled. She was 14.

Then I read "Murder is No Accident." I was doing what authors Deborah Prothrow-Stith and Howard R. Spivak call demonizing youth. They reminded me that, "When kids act out, they are sending up a red flag, a warning that they are in trouble." They write "Too many children in our country feel isolated and suffer from low self-esteem and even self-hate. We have an increasing population of depressed, hopeless young people who are perpetrating acts of violence against themselves and others. We have forgotten how to nurture and almost always resort to blame and punishment to change a child's behavior."

I don't know that I was blaming Richard and Ann, but I was at the point where I thought bread, water and a jail cell might work. Prothrow-Stith and Spivak relate many stories of abused children who later commit crimes as a way of dealing with their childhood pain. The Richards and Anns of the world are sending up red flags. Briefly, here's what I know about their past: Richard's mother and father are divorced. His dad is an addict who spent time in jail for beating up his wife. Richard saw that. His father wanted him to play sports, but Richard doesn't like sports. Dad called Richard a "sissy" and tried beating some "manhood" into him. When Richard stayed at his mom's apartment, he wouldn't take friends there because his uncle, who is a drug addict, might be hanging out there for a few days, and he didn't want to be embarrassed.

As for Ann, both her parents were addicts. When she was a baby, one broke her leg by accidentally stepping on her. So, one leg is slightly shorter than the other. They often locked her in a room while they partied. They once left her with a friend and didn't return for days. She was removed from the home and lives with a kind, but frustrated older relative.

The authors tell us how we can help these children overcome their trauma: "First and foremost among the protective factors is the presence of a stable, positive emotional relationship with an adult. Who this adult is — a parent, a relative, a neighbor, a teacher, an outreach worker, a church member and so on — may not matter as much as the simple fact of this person's being there. The presence of a nurturing, caring adult appears to be of great significance to almost every child." I was reminded why I'm in this job: I want to be that adult.

Patricia Kochel, of Ventura, is a student assistance program coordinator at Buena High School.

Patricia Kochel
24 July 2006

http://www.venturacountystar.com/vcs/opinion/article/0,1375,VCS_125_4867246,00.html

 
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