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Raising kind children
Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, who runs the Making Caring Common project, is aiming to teach kids to be kind.
Everyone would think parents are teaching that themselves, right? Not so, according to a new study released by the group. About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that "My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I'm a caring community member in class and school."
Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this important? Because if people want their children to be moral people, they have to, well, raise them that way.
"Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood," the researchers write.
Five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common include;
Make caring for others a priority
Parents tend to prioritize their children's happiness and achievements over their children's concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it's passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, adults should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
Instead of saying to kids, "The most important thing is that you're happy," say "The most important thing is that you're kind."
Make sure older children always address others respectfully, even when they're tired, distracted, or angry. Emphasize caring when interacting with other key adults in children's lives. For example, ask teachers whether the children are good community members at school.
Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
It's never too late to become a good person, but it won't happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others' lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate and forgiving and they're also more likely to be happy and healthy.
Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition, whether it's a helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job, make caring second nature and develop and hone youth's caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Don't reward your child for every act of helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. Adults should expect kids to help around the house, with siblings and with neighbors and only reward uncommon acts of kindness.
Talk to a child about caring and uncaring acts they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news.
Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express gratitude for those who contribute in large and small ways.
Expand a child's circle of concern
Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Adults' challenge is help children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn't speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable.
They also need to consider how their decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in the more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in different cultures and communities than their own.
Make sure children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress. Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the "caring and courage zone," like comforting a classmate who was teased.
Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage a child to think about hardships faced by children in another country.
Be a strong moral role model and mentor
Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, such as, "Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn't like her?"
Being a moral role model and mentor means everyone needs to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn't mean being perfect all the time. For children to respect and trust, adults need to acknowledge mistakes and flaws and also need to respect children's thinking and listen to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with a child. Give a child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask a child about dilemmas they've faced.
Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings. Adults need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Here's a simple way to teach kids to calm down: ask the child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth and count to five. Practice when the child is calm.
Then, when an adult sees the child getting upset, remind them about the steps and do them with them. After a while they'll start to do it on their own so that they can express their feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.
Amy Joyce, Washington Post
31 July 2014
