PracticeHint  

Asking "Why?"
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How often do we find ourselves asking the kids "Why?" "Why did you do that?" A youngster loses his cool and lashes out at another. We charge in with "What did you do that for?!" Another rushes away from a confrontation or disappointment and trashes a window. "Hey! Why did you do that?"

To use a Freudian illustration, before asking "Why?" we should first be clear as to whether we’re asking an "ego" or an "id". If we’re asking an ego, then we're assuming that the youth made a conscious decision (however delinquent or anti-social) to do the deed, and that a cognitive challenge is fitting.

But a kid who lashes out in rage is usually impelled by some unchecked inner reaction or impulse. We would be very surprised if such a child were to answer our "Why?" with: "Well, you see, from my infantile developmental position I was overwhelmed by my intolerable feelings of defeat or rejection, and my destructive protest was unmediated by any control from my fragile ego."

Of course we cannot ask this youngster "Why?" -- but it is nevertheless a question we have to ask ourselves, in the moment, for it will decide our immediate response. A youngster who reacts to frustration by hitting out with raw aggression, even though this carries serious consequences or damage to self-esteem, is seldom in control of the sequence of feelings and behaviour. Here is someone who needs containment, protection and reassurance -- and help with feelings, rather than a rational discussion. We cannot ask him "Why?"

Youth who have established self-control (or ego strength, if you like) and a level of verbal skill, can indeed be reasoned with. We can ask them "Why?" Some of our important cognitive intervention methods are appropriate with such youth – Adlerian approaches ("faulty beliefs") or Rational Emotive Therapy, and psychoeducational techniques such as "reversing" (Brendtro et al, 1983).

But we must decide whether it is meaningful to ask "Why?"
 

Brendtro, L., Ness, A., and colleagues (1983) Re-educating troubled youth: environments for teaching and treatment. New York: Aldine de Gruyter