We often set standards of conduct for kids in our programs. Usually these are individual standards, related to the developmental status of particular youngsters, to the progress they are making on issues and problems which brought them to us, and the attitudes and new behaviours and skills they are learning.

Sometimes the standards we set are program-wide and eminently sensible, for example, in rules relating to everyone’s safety and to the protection of certain basic rights. But sometimes (and with the best of intentions) we try too hard on the program-wide standards. We state expectations of politeness, neatness, abstinence, prosocial behaviour, self-control — and we impose sanctions when these are transgressed — forgetting that the kids came to us precisely because they were having difficulty in areas of their lives, and we are meant to be teaching and working at these, not simply demanding compliance.

Often we are offended by the language which youth use – whether to our minds this is loud, gratuitous, insolent, obscene, hostile, threatening or just culturally uncomfortable. But if we demand verbal politeness and respect, we may just lose the one thread of contact which we have with troubled kids.

From a developmental and functional point of view, direct verbal communication (however raw) is highly symbolic, more mature and better ego-mediated than reactive aggressive behaviour, than neurotic detours or anti-social "statements". Whatever "language" they may speak, If kids are able to express themselves verbally, we're better placed than we might be. We remember this when we are tempted to say: "Don’t you dare speak to me like that!"

What they say may be unwelcome or discouraging, but if we are to know and understand them, it is crucial that we hear what they say. The logic is simple ...

If we don’t let them say how they think and feel ... we may never know how they think and feel.