We talk a lot about “one-on-one" work with troubled kids. The oft-discussed notion of the "child and youth care relationship" may seem to suggest that this is strictly a dyadic relationship, but this is seldom so. Beyond conventional therapy, a child and youth care relationship occurs within the life space of children and youth – while they are getting on with life – even though the living environment may currently be more or less controlled, programmed or augmented.

A purely two-person relationship between worker and client is problematic. It is an improbable relationship which would stretch cognitive, experience and language commonalities, and exclude significant areas of the youth’s life. If we were left with nothing beyond intervention goals ("let’s talk about your problems") such a relationship would be awkward indeed.

An important method in our work is that of "joining". We choose not to distance youngsters from where they are living their lives, but rather to join them, their group or activity or task. This way we leave them in touch with their roles, building their own understanding, staying responsible for their functioning, earning their own growth or success.

There is a sense in which the relationship we offer should have within it the seeds of its own demise. Our participation is aimed at improving the youth's relationships with others. To whatever extent a young person may come to rely or depend on us, we will be better positioned to demonstrate and facilitate his or her capacity to sustain a relationship with others — and therefore to rely less on us and become less dependent on us.

Today, instead of feeling that you must get eyeball-to-eyeball to "have a relationship" with a kid, look for a third element which the two of you can kick around together, and which you, the worker, can leave behind when you move away. This can be an interest, a task, the family, a group, a game, a topic, a skill, an item of news, music ... whatever allows the two of you legitimately to spend time together.

It's always you and the kid ... and someone or something else.

Three's company.