In any group setting it is common for some residents to feel left out – and they let you know it. You are working towards Rick and his mother spending longer periods together, and three others are quick to challenge with loaded questions: "How come Rick gets to go home to eat some nights and we have to eat this stuff?" Becky gets a chance to join her school’s senior hockey team – "How come Becky gets to go out at night and we have to stay locked up in this place?"

To quieten the arguments (and the guilt-feelings these are meant to arouse in us) we are tempted to return to the old heresy that "all of the kids should be treated the same." OK! Nobody’s going to get special privileges around here any more; every body gets the same deal. Peace and quiet!

At too great a price. At the cost of losing some of the healthy beginnings of individualising we can see happening in the above scenario.

Two things:

1. All kids are different. Their interests, temperaments, families, talents, achievements and circumstances. Whatever we do in our program, whether in one-on-one work or in groups, is ultimately aimed at the development of each individual child or youth. When we are scrupulous about attending to the needs of each individual, nobody cares whether Rick goes home to eat with his mother or Becky plays hockey at night. When we consider each youth, by name, in our regular team meeting and personalise our action plan accordingly for the coming day or week, that individual youth is acknowledged, affirmed and encouraged in his or her personal life and strivings.

2. Needy kids provide a rich soil for sibling rivalry to flourish. Listen carefully to the mumblings and grumblings in the above scenario: these are not cerebral arguments – they are expressions of deep resentment which are spilling over into all aspects of the program. Our youth easily recognise aspects of their past lives which have been excluding and hurtful, and without the maturity or skill to deal with these, they readily react with destructiveness, subversion and negative groupings – and then we have a whole new can of worms which complicates the work of our program.

Today in our practice we will make the point of looking at particular kids and asking ourselves: "Does this youngster feel that we are considering his or her life, needs and strivings personally and individually?" No matter that we may still have some way to go before things get better and manageable for them, but they know we are working with them on this. And we are not adding to their anxiety and anger by expecting that they must enter into rivalry with their "siblings" just to gain our attention.