The complete set of 198 Hints are available in paperback from the CYC-Net Press store.
Listen
Play the ball, not the manIt was an unpleasant afternoon. It started as a small thing. One of the football periods with a group of the older boys was just ending when Jack Maxwell made a referee’s call against 18-year-old Jerry Green. Jerry questioned the call and Jack told him to be quiet. Jerry said something, no doubt abusive, under his breath and Jack stopped the game. He confronted the boy, warned him never to speak to him like that again – and then grounded him for two weeks.
The campus was a-buzz. The boys claimed that he punishment was excessive and personal. Jack Maxwell was unrepentant and in the staff group claimed that one couldn’t let kids get away with that sort of thing. Both the staff group and the boys’ group were divided about the issue.
In a program for difficult older boys it can happen that any conflict may turn physical. It is one of the ‘languages’ spoken in such a group (though we bear in mind that similar peculiarities are common in all groups).
But there is one line that we may never cross in tough exchanges with kids. Making it personal. Letting our own ego get in the way of our job of building ego-strengths in the kids. Adopting win-lose tactics to save our own face.
In our practice today we expect that troubled
kids will take their frustrations and hurts out on us as the only available
adults. Any conflict which says "Your fault – no, your fault – no, your
fault" (and this was a perfect example) will evoke past hostility and can
light fires. We are particularly careful to play the role of the secure
adult who can de-escalate the situation, lighten the mood, and keep the
positive activity going towards treatment goals – at whatever cost to our
image! (Our colleagues can soothe that for us later when we look back on a
successful afternoon.)
(This story had a happy ending. Jack went to see Jerry and acknowledged that
he had over-reacted. By supper time all was well.)
