The complete set of 198 Hints are available in paperback from the CYC-Net Press store.
Listen
Many young people are referred to our programme because
they are distrustful and hostile towards adults, they react to abuse and
neglect with an anger easily triggered by further perceived threats, in
their insecurity they are touchy and self-centred, they often to not
comprehend their own feelings and have little skill in expressing how they
feel, they are in turns awkward, sulky and rejecting or critical, defiant
and attacking.
In our minds we know all this and in our training we gain some understanding
of these behaviours and skills to work with them. But this doesn’t protect
us from being in the firing line day and night and finding ourselves the
recipients of kids’ scorn and rage.
Some find their protection in the “professional” role. We are reminded that
doctors don’t sulk when a patient haemorrhages and mechanics aren’t outraged
when a car’s brakes fail. But our relationship with young people is never
one which is objectified by definitions and diagnoses; it is an engagement
in their real and direct human intercourse and we are real people in their
milieu. The fact that Amy broke down and sobbed at breakfast or Ralph was on
a hair-trigger all afternoon and lashed out at others are not just entries
in a log book; they were personally experienced events of which we were
part. The moment when Tracey yelled at us “I hate you, get out!” cannot be
reduced to a dispassionate report ata staff meeting. No matter how much we
may process her exclamation in terms of our knowledge of her, we were on the
receiving end of her desperation and rancour. In the face-to-face clash, one
of the faces was ours.
In our practice today we accept that we must be present with hurting kids.
We cannot say “I understand” unless we know, personally, that hurt and pain
– or, of course, at other times, that joy and pride – which kids share with
us. But we bring with us to these moments a disposition which allows us to
be useful: a willingness to be present, an open mind to learn, a generosity
to receive the feelings, an empathy to participate in the moment, knowledge
(both general and specific) not so much to rationalise but to realise the
meaning of what is happening ...
