The complete set of 198 Hints are available in paperback from the CYC-Net Press store.
Listen
The final testYou will be working today with kids who have been through the toughest times. Many of the youth in our programs feel repeatedly unheard, let down, hurt, abused and betrayed by the very adults and families they should have been able to rely on. We recognize these kids, the ones who kid around and dance away when we try most seriously to make contact and to reassure; the ones who spit our words and efforts to reach out back in our faces; the ones who are resolutely remote and compliant when we know they are raging within.
The literature frequently describes their mistrust, their generalized hostility, their “expectations of the worst", and their brittle, fragile "independence". Yet they are usually, simultaneously, in deepest conflict between wanting to trust and not willing to trust; between the tough, protective exterior and the fear to risk what is vulnerable within them. They draw us and reject us, they invite us and repel us.
We reach a point where we think we have earned their trust, but their behaviour challenges us: "Can I really trust you? Are you truly for real? Will you still care when I screw up again ... if I hurt you?" – and they test us to the limit. Tomorrow they test us again, and the next day, and our own beliefs begin to weaken.
There is a word of hope here: if someone repeatedly tests a bridge, this shows they probably want to use it.
So today be positive if the testing continues. Regard this as a dialogue commenced, as the first awkward steps of a dance. The two of you are already trading packets of communication (even though these may still be of stubbornness and defiance) and this process is always going to be more important than the content ...
There is also a word of warning here. Don’t give up. Don’t be tempted to weaken. You will reach the critical point where everything can be lost to both of you ... for the child, maybe forever. Or it may turn out that today’s will be the final test.
