The complete set of 198 Hints are available in paperback from the CYC-Net Press store.
Listen
There is so much we would like to explain to the kids we work with. That the family break-up wasn’t their fault, that they didn't deserve rejection, that they don’t have to be compliant in order to avoid being beaten, that they are not evil, that they should not be forced to do things they don’t want to do in order to be acceptable, that life is not arbitrary and hopeless ...
Children who have grown up in an atmosphere of blame, threat and punishment, often as targets of others’ projections of their own inadequacies and failures, have not learned to understand cause and effect. And where there have been gross inconsistencies in parents’ behaviour as with addictions or mental illness, life has been quite unpredictable. Their own role in their lives is minimised, dependent on the capriciousness of other people and life circumstances. Unable to associate their apprehension and trauma with something they had done, they easily assume the fault to be who they are.
Adolescents pose a particular problem in this regard as they have sought words, ideas and belief systems to "rationalise" their confusing and negative experiences. They fall easy prey to deterministic and fundamentalist ideas which further subvert their sense of individual worth and personal responsibility.
So many youngsters will tell us that they came into our program through their fault; that they did wrong. When kids feel that they are bad, useless or hateful it is not enough for us to reassure them verbally. We want to say "Of course you are important (capable, worthwhile, lovable ...)" We also want to convince them by discussion and reasoning – forgetting that they have their own meanings for all the words we have been using here, as well as their frantic and tenuous grip on a philosophy which "explains" their present status and circumstances.
* * *
The essence of life-space work is that we have the opportunity to translate
affection, safety, acceptance, respect, meaning, hope (fill in your own
words here) into the children’s daily lived experience. That which
they expect to happen, and against which they are fearful and defensive,
does not happen. That which they thought was impossible, can happen.
In our practice today we offer to children, youth and families scrupulously honest and rational communications, so that they learn to trust their perception and their judgement for when they return to live in a less than perfect world.
