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Listen to this
Do we ever hear a dentist berating his patient Mrs Jones because she has sprung another cavity in her molar? "I’m sick and tired of you Mrs Jones. As a consequence I am not allowing you to eat for the rest of this week!" Or a Geography teacher to her pupil: "That’s it, young Smith. How dare you fail yet another test in climatology? No more playing in the sunshine for you!"
Our child and youth clients don’t come to us because of dental caries or to be taught Geography. They come to us needing help with things like neglect and abuse or learning to handle frustration and hurt. Yet the signs of their distress, instead of challenging our professional and practice skills, so easily evoke our anger and judgment. We evaluate their actions as "bad" and "unacceptable" and we assume our clients are being willful and incorrigible. We take their behaviour moralistically or personally and respond with criticism and threat. We order them to "stop this behaviour".
(Hear the dentist: "Mrs Smith, this cavity is inexcusable and you are a bad, bad person. You must stop this symptomatology immediately, and fix that molar before coming back to see me!")
In our practice we try to avoid the angry and accusatory language which conveys judgment and hostility. We retain responsible contact with a client when we try to describe troubled behaviour neutrally.
"That made you very angry ..." (implication: "We still have a lot of work to do on managing anger.") instead of "Your vicious and barbaric attack ..." (implication: "You are an animal"). We can never allow situations to stir up our own sediment, and turn us into attackers.
And instead of focusing on the "bad behaviour" (swearing, failing grades, breaking curfews) try to use an objective behaviour category (effective communication, school achievement, time-keeping) within which the youth will at least have made some progress.
In fact our chief role in Child and Youth Care work is to be the mature adult in the milieu and in individual situations; to be the neutral ally of the youth, the objective reflector, the strengthening encourager, the experienced coach ...
