Quote of the Day

Imagine that you have become involved with a family because of the constant fighting between the two adolescent boys: fighting which often ends with violence and the destruction of property in the family home. As you enter the family home on a warm fall evening, the two boys are in the living room, arguing about who is going to get to use the computer this evening. They are loud, but have not reached the stage of shouting or pushing, which usually precedes physical altercation.

As a part of your contract, and the agreed goals with the family, you have the responsibility to intervene into the situation to stop the escalation. As you enter the living room, the boys glance at you quickly but other than that they show no sign of changing their behaviour. You are at one end of the living room now, and they are at the other. As you take in the scene one of the boys shouts at the other and pokes him in the chest.

Somehow, you have to approach this situation. It is potentially dangerous for you as well as the boys. What do you do? How do you approach? Some of the answer will come from your studies in crisis intervention. Concerns about physical position, weapons, striking distance and others will come to mind. But what about approach in the other sense? Do you enter forcefully, trying to exercise control? Do you try to ease yourself in to the exchange? Do you detract or confront?

How you approach the situation will, of course, in a large part be determined by personal style: what kind of a person you are and what you believe. But it should also be determined by what you know about the two boys and how you understand them. Perhaps, for example, you understand them as being locked in a dynamic which neither of them really likes. Perhaps you see them as trapped in their own way of being with each other. Maybe your understanding of one of the boys is that he always seems to feel inferior to the other and the fighting is his way of asserting himself (Remember the discussion on Needs?). Perhaps one seems to be more favoured by the parents than the other. Perhaps one is more constantly being blamed by the parents. All of these possibilities, and others, would affect how you approach the boys.

If for example, you see one as being more favoured that the other, you would be careful not to act in a manner that would appear to place you on one side or the other. If you see this as their way of drawing their parents into their dispute, perhaps you will assume the role of a parent, at least in terms of temporary behaviour, especially if one of the parents is in the room too. If you see them as stuck in a dynamic you think they would like to get out of, you may feel that this is a time to raise that issue instead of approaching the fighting directly.

Does the notion of rhythmicity have value here when we talk about approach?

How you approach each situation will be determined by how you know the participants and your desired outcome. Each approach may be different. Your approach to the same situation may be different at different times because your goal is different. It will also be influenced by whether you consider this argument as a problem or an opportunity.

THOM GARFAT and NIALL McELWEE
Garfat, T. and McElwee, N. (2004). Developing effective interventions with families. Cape Town: Pretext Publishers, pp.94-96