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15 MAY 2009
NO 1436
When parents separate
Based on the increasing number of referrals to National Youth Advocacy Service, the problems for children and young people involved in a variety of private law proceedings appear to be as follows:
The lack of clearly identified service that children can recognise as being the right one for them to approach with their problems, both at the time of the divorce and in the years following. There is the need for a service capable of safeguarding the financial, legal, emotional and educational interests of children and young people. As one young man put it 'Where is the sign over the door that says "this way if you want some help after your parents have separated"?'. This particular young man wanted information as he had not seen his father since he was 5, when his parents separated. He wanted to know if he would be breaking the law if he tried to see his father when he was 18, the following week. The court had placed an injunction to prevent his father visiting the family following the divorce and he was under the impression that he would be breaking the law if he made any attempt to contact his father. He did not feel he could discuss this with his mother, as she always became very upset when his father was mentioned. This young man did not have the information he needed he help him in this situation and he did not know where to go to get it. Many children suffer from a similar lack of age-appropriate and accurate information.
The relative powerlessness of children caught in the crossfire of divorce in the face of articulate and determined adults, and an adversarially based court-driven machinery for the regulation of disputed arrangements concerning residence and contact.
'Nobody seems to be listening to me' is the overwhelming complaint from children who have experienced divorce and separation. 'Your father/mother and I have just got it sorted out – don't start rocking the boat now' is a common reaction from parents to children questioning residence and contact arrangements.
The guilt children feel about expressing their feelings in the face of their clear perception of their parent's conflicting needs.
The gradual loss or erosion of existing family relationships within the wider extended family network, resulting in a process of isolation not only from the non-resident parent, but also from the non-resident grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and family friends. This is in marked contrast to the emphasis that the Children Act 1989 places on maintaining family contacts for children in public care. Loss of contact may have considerable financial as well as emotional implications for the child.
Complicated and confusing arrangements for contact that may be subject to last-minute cancellation or alteration, often with little regard for the child's own routine and activities. This can have potentially a very unsettling effect on the child's peer group relationship and limit the opportunities to participate in regular sports, teams, cubs, brownies, and so on. Often separated parents do not live near each other and children undergo regular long journeys between homes throughout their childhood. This is sometimes extremely tiring, particularly for younger children.
Children complain that they do not see enough of their siblings and step-siblings and that they may not spend weekends or holidays together. For example, younger children may stay with their mother at weekends while older boys might spend weekends with their fathers, so that they can go to football on a Saturday afternoon. Within the crowded curriculum, there is very little time for unstructured and relaxed outings with cousins or friends. It is not always the case that parental agreement leads to the best long-term outcome for children in this respect. The child whose parents agree about the arrangements for residence and contact may be the child who suffers distress and trauma in attempting to comply with arrangements that may suit the interests of the parents but impose grave restrictions on the developing child.
Abuse. The lack of direct services to children involved in family breakdown gives rise to concern in relation to the identification of children who may be at risk – particularly those who live an atmosphere of high criticism and low emotional warmth, which research identifies as being particularly harmful (Department of Health, 1995). Research from the Women's Aid Federation indicates that if a woman has suffered domestic violence, there is an increased likelihood that her children may also be abused. The Women's Aid Federation For England estimate that every year approximately 20,000 children spend time in Women's Refuges escaping domestic violence. Services for these children are sparse and are currently under threat because of shortage of funds.
Teenagers who have experienced the breakdown of more than one parental partnership are a particularly vulnerable group. It is striking how many young people in care, particularly those who are homeless at 16, cite the breakdown of their parent's marriage or partnership as the beginning of their problems. Many experience great difficulty in incorporating and accepting their parent's new partners and children. Particular problems arise during adolescence, when the young person's needs may have become superseded by the demands of a second and growing family. Faced with the scale of the matrimonial conflict, the children of divorced parents are often powerless to sustain a loving and secure relationship with both parents, to whom they may retain a fierce loyalty. Loyalty to the non-residential parent may in itself constitute a continuing source of discord between the young person and the rest of the newly constituted household.
Leaving home. Children and young people form the largest group of people who are homeless. Evidence shows that the vast majority of those young people leave home because they have no alternative. A major factor in their leaving is problems at home. Worrying evidence is emerging that some parents are effectively abandoning their responsibilities to older teenage children, many of whom find themselves in unsuitable bed and breakfast accommodation.
Educational disadvantage. Young people leaving home at 16 may be significantly educationally disadvantaged and lose the opportunity to fulfil their potential through access to higher education.
JUDITH TIMMS
Timms, J. (2003). The silent majority: The position of
children involved in the divorce and separation of their parents.
Child Care in Practice, 9, 2. pp. 168-170.
REFERENCES
Department of Health (1995). Child Protection, Messages From Research in Child Protection. HMSO. London
