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22 June 2009
NO 1451
Relationships
To make sense of, and more importantly, to be able to act upon what the child is saying, we need to build a caring, trusting and consistent relationship. Without this we can be very destructive. I walk into John's room, I want to be helpful, so I say, "I know how you feel..." No! I have no idea how he feels unless I have a relationship with him. It is like reading his private diary without his permission.
Everybody has his own style in developing a relationship, but the following should be kept in mind:
Do not rush into a relationship.
An initial period of thorough observation is needed. As much as you need to see what the child is about, the child needs to see what you are about.
It is in the small details and events that relationships are built, i.e. closing his curtains before he goes to bed at night; face cream for his pimples.
Allow the child to set the tempo.
Beware of inappropriate relating.
Avoid over-verbalisation in the initial period. Instead allow for non-verbal cues to act as indicators: eye contact, facial gestures – no physical contact until he is ready, especially with a sexually abused child.
Respect for the child's privacy – knock before entering his room.
Respect the child's vulnerability, particularly once he has opened himself up.
Three ways of saying the same thing:
The child makes lots of noise, e.g. Bob, aged 16, who comes home and screams at the domestic because his clothes are not washed.
The compliant child, e.g. the child who everybody likes but who shocks us when he is caught stealing or abusing the younger kids. Or, Sue who was to have gone on camp with me, and when I let her down, she just shrugs her shoulders.
The withdrawn child. The child who sits in the green chair all day, or, Jack who climbs into bed each day after lunch, reads and sleeps.
What the silent child is saying as loudly as the other children, is that this is the only way I can cope. The person lives in a silent world, his conversation with life has left him silent; life gave a reply which he can only cope with in silence. Each child mentioned above is screaming out inside. The bucket is empty.
Now comes the tricky part. Sure I care, but it is not the same way as a mother cares. An honest reply could be "I can't care the way you wish I did, but I do care". I am not getting into the destructive game of playing perfect. Two people are trying to meet by removing the masks, and when this meeting takes place, the relationship is underway. Now the child stops trying to manipulate me as much, but the testing will never stop. What does happen is that he puts his trust in my hands, his life in my hands.
This is a difficult time, for now I have to teach the child. That is, I have to teach the child all those things which he was not taught. He has to re-learn the past, how to hold a knife and fork, how to read, physical hygiene, and other basic life skills.
Because there is a relationship, there is somebody, the child is prepared to take his second chance in life. However, there remains much rage at not having been given these skills in the first place. One part of the child is prepared to try; the other feels that 'life owes him'. What is of vital importance is not to see the one part as good, the other as bad. What is good or positive is that the child is prepared to live with the tension these two opposites evoke in him.
To confront this tension and endure it, the child needs the relationship and for me to stand my ground, not to be blown over by his rage and frustration in having to re-learn. He needs me to confront him, to lend him my resilience to see things through.
The other dynamic involved at this stage of the relationship is regression. The child has for so long refused to stand still, jumped from one emotion to the next. The child has tried to become like those heroes he has stuck up on his wall. Now he is prepared to admit what he is feeling as opposed to that which he wishes he was feeling.
To do this involves courage on his part and is only achieved with the support of the relationship.
ERIC HARPER AND ANNE BARENDS
Harper, E. and Barends, A. (1990). Child care practice with disturbed children. In Biderman-Pam, M. and Gannon, B. (Eds.). Competent Care Competent Kids. Cape Town. National Association of Child Care Workers. pp. 96-97.
