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28 AUGUST 2009
NO 1480
Relationships
The topic of 'good relationships' could involve us in very wide-ranging discussion, so much must remain unsaid in what follows. But it will be useful to list, very briefly, some of the factors that seem to be necessary for the establishment of good relationships in all settings and then to expand on those which are of peculiar importance in the residential setting.
For there to be a possibility of good relationships developing we can say that there has to be:
1. a channel of communication between the two parties and some mutually understood language;
2. a minimal readiness to interact, brought about either by some implicit, or explicitly agreed contract, or by some shared activity or circumstance;
3. a capacity, at least minimally in both parties, to put together and recognize in oneself and in the other the personal significance of at least some of the multitude of small events which constitute the interaction between the two;
4. some awareness, often implicit, to the influence on behaviour of bodily states, the immediate social setting, and the past history of the individuals concerned.
To these, (which are almost a priori conditions deriving from the definition) I think most 'counsellors' would add:
5. a sense, at least minimally in both parties and probably more strongly in one party, of one's own value as a person and thus of some responsibility and concern for oneself and for the other;
6. a capacity on both sides to wait on events to some extent.
This implies some perception of oneself and the other as separate, ongoing and potentially independent as well as dependent, and is some guarantee against attempts at total take-over of the other person or an invasion by one party of defences which the other is not prepared to lower or disarm.
In any given situation it may be difficult to achieve these conditions because of the nature and personal resources of the parties involved. For example, one person may be 'deaf' to a particular channel of communication used by the other, or unable to switch to another channel. ('I don't know what he is getting at' or 'what is this strange behaviour going on now?') Or one person may be unable to 'hear' the other, not because he cannot normally do so, but because there is so much irrelevant 'noise' going on that the important signal cannot be distinguished. ('I didn't realize Joe was so upset because Jane, Gill and Jack were clamouring for attention' or 'because I was so cross at his messing his pants'.)
It becomes clear from this that staff in residential units must pay attention to all the persons they are involved with i.e., to each individual's potential to understand a language, to interact, to integrate interaction in the present, past and possible future, to value themselves and to respect (i.e., appreciate the value of) others. Ultimately the children too must be able to do some of this themselves and be aware of some of all this in others.
CHRISTOPHER BEEDELL
Beedell, C. (1970). Residential Life with Children.
London. Routledge & Kegan Paul. pp.85-87.
