and reach thousands of daily visitors
3 MAY 2010
NO 1572
Relationship
Recently in Florence Italy, Jody and I toured the Contini Collection in the Uffizi Museum. Our guide, Guido, spoke Italian in rapid fire sentences, and I realized I could not keep up with him, so I wandered around on my own to see what might be discovered.
Soon I was standing before the familiar painting of The Madonna and the Bambino. I must have seen hundreds of them as various versions are everywhere in Italy. What did surprise me was a similarity in how all these artists portrayed Mary and her baby. In every portrayal, Mary holds her son Jesus on her lap or against her shoulder, not looking down at the child but away from him. Her body is rigid and her face looks troubled, and there is no sense of joy or fulfillment. She appears sad and detached from her infant. In attachment theory, there is a clear lack of bonding between the two of them.
The accepted interpretation of this scene is that Mary is gazing into the future and sees her child will someday be persecuted and crucified, accounting for her detached appearance. I was reminded of all the troubled and alienated children and youth we try to nourish in today’s society and those who seem destined to live a life of rejection.
I walked away from this painting feeling discouraged and depressed. But two rooms later I saw another picture of the Madonna and Bambino painted by Farrarra from the 1400s. This Mary holds her baby to her breast nursing, and her face glows as she looks down at her child lovingly. This is an ideal picture of emotional bonding, the way a trusting bond begins. The care-giving bond forms the foundation for all future relationships.
Connecting with troubled
students
The core of our work is developing a trusting relationship with a
troubled student. We have written and lectured for decades on the
significance of connecting in times of crisis. If we are not successful
in developing this interpersonal bond, then all the subsequent treatment
and pedagogical techniques are mechanical. It is like racing a car
engine without any oil. It is not going very far before it heats up and
shuts down.
We believe all interpersonal change with troubled students evolves and revolves around an adult relationship. But, what kind of relationship? How is this relationship described? How is it similar and different from all the other relationships in our life?
The helping alliance
Adults have many different kinds of relationships: social acquaintances,
work relationships, family relationships, a few intimate relationships,
and one or two significant life long relationships with persons who know
us at our worst and still are there for us. Not all of our relationships
are healthy; some are toxic to our well being.
Our relationship with a troubled student is different from all the other relationships we have in our life. As messengers of mental health, our goal is to develop a professional relationship which is therapeutic without being personal. This is a healthy helping alliance with clear boundaries. It is a meaningful relationship although we do not plan to invite a troubled student over for dinner or share our daily and emotional historic issues with him. The relationship is based on the young person’s needs and not ours! To further complicate matters, the student often does not even seek our help and may not even want us around. The child in crisis has an overwhelming concern of stopping the pain. As a result, we initially are faced with a one-way relationship and not reciprocal altruism. We want to help, while the youngster is often reluctant to let us help.
NICHOLAS J. LONG
Long, N.S. (2008). Breaking the trust barrier with
troubled students. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 17, 1. p. 57.
