and reach thousands of daily visitors
14 JUNE 2010
NO 1590
I've been an adult too long
A young woman describes her struggle to help her mother care for her younger brother and sister while trying to be a teenager and, later, study for college.
Last year when I finished high school, I wanted to go away to college. I thought it would be the best thing for my future. I’d be by myself learning to be independent, and I wouldn’t have all the interruptions I usually have at home, so it would be easy for me to study for exams. But when I told my mother that I wanted to go away, she said she needed me to stay with her to take care of my 8-year-old brother and 1-year-old sister.
When my mother told me this, I said to her, "You are selfish, because you know that if I stay here, it will not be easy for me to study." But she said, "The selfish one is you, because you know that I have a lot of responsibilities and I can’t handle them without you."
After the conversation ended, I almost cried.
Too many missed pportunities
All through high school, I missed out on a lot of opportunities
because I had to take care of my brother and sister. I couldn’t be part
of the volleyball team at my school, even though I’ve played volleyball
all my life, because I had to pick up my brother after school. I also
wanted to be part of a Hispanic club called Aspira, but I couldn’t go
because I had to be at home looking after my brother and sister while my
mother was at work.
It always seemed unfair to me when my mother would go to the mall or somewhere else where she could take my little sister with her, but she didn’t, making me stay in the house taking care of her. When I thought about all the things like that that had happened in high school, and about the fact that they might happen all over again in college, I wanted to cry. I
I felt like my mother didn’t care about my future.
Am I selfish for wanting to leave
home?
But even though I felt angry, I also felt selfish for wanting to go
away. When my stepfather heard me and my mother arguing, he told me that
my mother was reacting that way because she hated to think of me living
away from her. I have a good relationship with my mother; I tell her all
the things that happen to me, even about guys. She gives me advice about
how to deal with life.
So part of the reason she probably wants me to stay is that we are so close. And when my mother first came to the United States, she came alone and we didn’t see each other for 5 years. Living with my grandparents for those 5 years made me more independent. But I think my mother fears being without me all over again.
My mother needs my help
And it’s true that my mother has many responsibilities. My mother works
as a home attendant, taking care of an old lady. She works long hours to
earn enough money to support us and to save money because she is trying
to bring my grandparents to this country. The days when I can’t look
after my brother and sister are hard for her. She has to ask for
permission from her job to pick up my brother at school, and she has to
rush there and back. After work, she usually cooks dinner and bathes my
sister at the same time, which makes her frantic. And then she doesn’t
get to rest until after dinner, when she’s finished washing the dishes.
My mother was a seventh-grade teacher when she lived in the Dominican Republic. She regrets having come to this country because she says that here she is making a lot of sacrifices, getting old without getting any rest. Seeing the hard work that my mother has to do makes me realize that she really does need help. Still, it can be hard to get used to, especially because, when I was younger, I had a lot of responsibilities, but I also had a lot of free time to be involved in activities.
I want to dance, play volleyball,
learn the guitar
I was on both the school volleyball team and the neighborhood volleyball
team. I participated in a teen discussion group at my church. We also
had trips to the beach or rivers and parties celebrating birthdays or
Christmas. These things made me happy and it helped me have a lot of
friends.
Now I would like to continue doing the things I already know how to do, like dance and play volleyball. I would also like to learn to play the guitar. But I’m stuck at home. Besides, now that I am in college, having to take care of my sister and brother really interferes with my schoolwork.
I lock my bedroom door, but my
siblings still pester me
I usually do my homework in my bedroom. I lock the door so I
can’t be interrupted, but that doesn’t prevent me from hearing all the
noise. It seems like when 8 o’clock comes, which is the time I go to my
room to do my homework, everybody starts bothering me. When my little
sister sees me close my bedroom door, she pushes a chair toward the door
to reach the door handle, and tries to open it. If she can’t open it,
she starts knocking on the door and yelling, "Nene, Nene," which is what
she calls me.
Then, lots of times, my brother leaves his room and joins my sister. Or if my sister is quiet, often he looks for a way to bother me. If he passes by my room, he knocks on the door. And if my brother forgets something, he starts calling, "Marlene, I forgot to do my homework, could you help me?" when I am in the middle of my reading.
Of course, sometimes I do have fun with my siblings, especially my sister. I often try to teach her how to pronounce some words or I make faces to make her laugh. But more often, they just make me stressed, especially because I often have to wait until midnight to really be able to do my homework. Often, I end up arguing with my mother about it.
Look out Boston, here I come
I think I have a good mother because she cares about me. Right
now she is trying to work fewer hours to free me of the responsibilities
at home. She wants me to take the time I need to work hard in college.
But I feel like leaving home is the only possible way for me to escape
from these responsibilities. I am hoping that my grandparents will come
to this country soon and then they can help my mother. And in a few
years my mother should be working fewer hours and my brother will be
older and able to go to school alone, so there should be fewer obstacles
keeping me from going away.
Even though I like the college I am in now, which is City College, I hope to transfer to Boston University, no matter what my mother will say. It is important to me to be responsible and help my family, but it is also important to do what I need to feel good about myself.
I’m a teenager—I need to have fun
Going away will help me to be more independent and to be able to make my
own decisions about my future. I have to begin thinking about myself,
and not just in terms of schoolwork; I am young and I need to have fun
now. I need to play my real role, which is to be a teenager, because for
too long, I have been playing the role of an adult.
MARLENE PERALTA
Peralta, M. (2000). I've been an adult too long.
Reaching Today's Youth, 4, 3. pp. 5-6.
