Child and youth care is a tough profession. Our very first key
to ‘survival’ is to avoid becoming ‘hooked’ into a world which seems to
be characterised by problems and despair, and to maintain our perspective in
terms of the norms of our society. To do this we must keep strongly in touch
with our own families, friends, neighbourhoods and communities, with our own
interests, recreations and passions. In this way we fulfil ourselves and ‘tank
up’ on the energies and satisfactions we need, and which give us something to
offer to those we work with.
Many years ago, David Wills (who worked in the approved
schools system in England and who wrote books like A Place like Home
and Throw Away Thy Rod) said: "In order to live with maladjusted
children you have to be the kind of person who can live without them ... You
have to be a whole, complete person, entirely sufficient unto yourself.
Because if you cannot do without them, you are dependent on them. If
you are dependent on them, you and they have reversed roles — to the
ultimate damnation of both of you."
You will have realised by now that many, if not most, of the
young people we work with come from extremely depriving and abusive
circumstances. This will mean that they are often incapable of responding and
reacting in the way our own children do, or in the way we expect young people to
behave. How do child care workers deal with all of this?
The following section suggests some ‘survival’ guidelines.
- Do not take a child’s bad behaviour personally. He may
seem to attack you personally, or be very defiant towards you, but the
reasons for this often have nothing to do with you and who you are. (If ever
we try to help a wounded animal, we may expect similar snarlings and
snappings, and we know that these are not directed at us, but due to trauma
and fear.)
- Some helpful questions for you to ask yourself: "Why
is it necessary for the child to behave in this way?", "What could
be the goal of this behaviour?" and
"How can I help the child achieve his goal in a more productive
way?"
- The troubled child or adolescent is often quite unable to
understand or explain the motive behind his behaviour, so don’t ask
"What do you mean by this behaviour?" or "Why are you
behaving so badly?" Youngsters who are overwhelmed by negative feelings
can rarely express themselves coherently and verbally. At this stage, you
have to work out the possible motives for yourself.
- A child has a strong need to belong. Work at finding
positive ways of helping a child feel that he is welcome in your class or
group.
- You cvan be a very significant role-model for those in your
care. They observe how you treat the other children and staff colleagues,
and this has a profound effect on their ability or wish to trust you, and to
copy you. The more honest and open you are, the more honest and open they
can become; the more democratic you are, the more rational will be the world
they are trying to understand. Whenever you see behaviour that troubles you,
ask yourself: "How do I handle these situations myself?" before
insisting that the children change their behaviour.
- We must not forget that much of the youths’ behaviour has
been learnt from their parents, and they may not want to change what may be
very significant for them. ("I want to be like my Dad or Mom.")
More important, until they have alternative and trusted role-models, they
will not know how to change their behaviour.
- Even under normal circumstances, relationship building
takes time. When working with deprived children who have suffered great
loss, it takes even longer, so do not expect too much too soon. Learn to
appreciate the small changes that you see taking place.
- When you do see small gains, try to remember and
think through what you did to help with these: this is the beginning of the
growth or your own practice
- A change in staff in an agency is very traumatic for the
youngsters, since it disturbs their often vulnerable and risky efforts to
change. Their only way to indicate their distress at times like this may be
by exhibiting confused and difficult behaviour. Any staff change needs lots
of talking about, lots of preparation, thinking together about working in a
new situation, acknowledgement of the feelings of loss.
- Young people in care have experienced the severest form of
loss (i.e. separation from parent(s), home and neighbourhood). In turn, they
may resist bonding with you for fear that they will also lose you. You need
to be patient until the children learn to trust you, and until they come to
know that you are not just going to disappear. Make sure that you prepare
them before leaving for any extended period, tell them where you will be, be
punctual, carry out any task you undertake to do for them, and be as
reliable as you can be in everything that you do.
- Try to respond less to unacceptable behaviour, and to
respond more actively to improved or appropriate behaviour.
- Go with the flow and avoid a confronting position. Positive
is always better than negative. Find ways to use "yes" more than
"no". Rather than saying something like "Stop playing roughly
in here!" find an alternative which is appropriate to the existing
level of energy: "Let’s move this game onto the grass!"
- Do not expect your relationships with the children to flow smoothly.
Handling difficult relationships is now your line of business. You are
responsible for building your own skills in this area.
- Admit your mistakes. This models rational adult behaviour – and helps to
build mutual trust between you and the child.
- Avoid acting impulsively. Your own anger and anxiety easily affect the
good judgement of the child care worker.
- Do not react negatively or punitively while you are angry. Try to behave
all the time with containment and protection, and then deal with what made
you angry later when you are calm.
- Someone has said that "all behaviour is a move to a more comfortable
position." Work hard to understand troubling behaviour in this way.
Instead of reacting to the actual behaviour, try to get at the
motivation. Ask yourself: "What more comfortable position did this
youth want to reach through this particular behaviour?"
- Make use of encouragement as much as you can and praise positive and
adaptive behaviour in front of the other children. The word ‘Thankyou’
is a powerful reinforcer of helpful and constructive behaviour.
- Remember that all feelings are acceptable, but the child probably needs
help in expressing his feelings in a constructive and effective way. Help
the child understand what is happening in his life. Only when he understands
what is happening, can he become goal-directed and work towards what he
wants to achieve.
- Everything said or done is neither the beginning nor the end – but
merely grist for the mill of treatment and development. It has been said
that if we never allow children opportunity to express their feelings
(however inappropriately) we will never know what feelings they need to be
able to express – and therefore what issues they need help to work at.
- Program-type language (linen numbers, dormitories, lockers, surnames) is
makes the vibe you create less transportable back to the kids' own homes.
Make a point of using ordinary words (bedrooms, cupboards) and of calling
children by their first names.
- The child’s unhappiness is his own. Do not take it away but try to help
the child deal with it himself. Share it if he will let you.
- Reducing the anger and anxiety in each child should be an on-going
objective of every team member in the programme. A gentle, non-threatening
and non-oppositional style makes for an emotionally hygienic environment.
- When you do not know what to do about a problem, go slowly. It is probably
a difficult problem. Do less rather than more. Consult colleagues or your
supervisor.
- Give a child the opportunity to explain her whole point of view, and let
her feel you have listened carefully, before you make a response or a
decision
- Your own learning and training experiences are positive and encouraging
experiences for the youngsters to observe.
- No matter what you say and do externally, the child will get the full
message of the feelings deep inside you.
- Do not confuse the child’s needs or problems with your own. It’s OK
for you to feel anxious or fearful about a problem. The anxiety is yours;
the problem is his.
- Personality and cultural differences in children and staff must be
acknowledged and respected – and even celebrated. Such differences deserve
protection as inalienable rights before any judgement is made of the need to
change for the sake of uniformity.
... and all of the above should happen firmly in the context of your own
optimism and belief that both your programme and the young people themselves
can make a success of the whole enterprise.
