How to be a great gran
Grandparents everywhere know few relationships are as precious as the one they share with their grandchildren. As a granny of 11, I know from personal experience that it can be richer, more giving and more loving than any other. Grandparents, with their wealth of experience and extra leisure time, know they can do such a lot to ensure the physical and mental wellbeing of their grandchildren.
And now it's official. Researchers at Oxford University and the Institute Of Education have found that children grow up happier if their grandparents are involved in their upbringing.
Why grandparents are needed
The rising number of single parents and the need for two wages to make
ends meet, plus steep childcare costs, means that grandparents are
needed practically, as well as emotionally, more than ever.
The Oxford survey of more than 1,500 children revealed that one grandma in three regularly looks after a grandchild around three days a week, while four in 10 help out now and then. But the researchers also believe that even more grandparents should become involved in care to improve their grandchildren's wellbeing – and the Government should do more to recognise their importance to society. However, being a modern grandparent isn't always plain sailing.
Attitudes to childcare have changed greatly over the past 20 years and you may feel taken for granted if it's always assumed you'll be free to babysit. Here's how to enjoy your grandkids without the conflict...
Grand benefits
You probably have more time (and patience) to spend with your grandchildren – a great help if both their parents are working full-time.
You also have the time and interest to be your grandchildren's confidante. You can help them explore solutions to their problems.
If there's a new baby attracting all the interest in the family, you can help to make an older child still feel loved and special.
You can be a rock in a crisis. When the family is rocked by separation or divorce, the Oxford research says that grandparents give grandchildren the security of always being there, providing love and continuity that helps youngsters stay calm.
Don't be put upon
Most grandparents love their role but studies show that one in
four feels put upon or that their contribution goes unacknowledged.
After a life of hard work, you may be looking for some "me time", plus
you may not have as much energy as you did. Here's how not to be taken
advantage of:
Be very clear from the outset about what you're prepared to do and not do.
If you're unsure, say something like "can I get back to you on that?" and discuss it with your partner or a friend.
Think hard before you make a regular commitment.
Get a clear steer from your children about mealtimes, bedtimes, forbidden foods, treats, drinks and watching TV.
If you regularly look after your grandchild for long hours and are short of money, get it out in the open and be clear about what you think is fair recompense.
Never hesitate to say you're tired or if something's too much for you.
Be emphatic about needing quality time on your own.
Have a great day out
Taking the kids out? Make sure you're prepared first:
Don't be caught out by mod cons. Ask for a demonsration of new equipment such as sterilisers, pushchairs and car seats, then practise using them.
Don't go on an outing where you have to walk a lot or carry heavy bags.
Ask your children to assemble an emergency bag to take on outings and memorise the contents for future occasions.
If you use public transport, don't travel in the rush hour.
Use a backpack for your purse and a bottle of water so you have two hands free all the time.
Never leave the house without your mobile phone programmed with your children's numbers and the telephone number of a mini-cab company.
For outings, wear comfortable shoes, preferably trainers.
Brush up your first-aid skills. Call St John Ambulance on 0870 010 4950 or visit www.sja.org.uk
10 golden rules
(1) Visit only by invitation or mutual arrangement
Turning up unannounced could be seen as intrusive. If your child and partner work, their time with their children is probably limited and precious. When you go round, you could help them enjoy this more by taking on routine jobs. But ask first.
(2) Keep open communication
Even if you don't live nearby, make an effort to stay in touch regularly by phone or email. Because you're more likely to have more time than them, accept that you'll be making more of the running.
(3) Respect your child's boundaries
It's unlikely you'll agree entirely with everything your child does as a parent but it's not your right to interfere. Bite your tongue unless your opinion is asked for.
(4) Praise your children for being good parents.
Whenever you notice your children doing something well, let them know. It'll make them feel good and shows you're being supportive.
(5) Keep a well-developed sense of fairness
Never openly favour one grandchild over another. It'll cause resentment and hurt in the short and long term.
(6) Never undermine your children or your grandchildren
Don't run down their efforts by being critical or judgmental. Help them to find their own solutions to problems.
(7) Offer advice without always expecting it to be accepted
That way you'll be pleasantly surprised if it's taken up.
(8) Don't take sides with either parent
Interfering in a couple's quarrels is likely to make problems worse and won't endear you to either of them in the long term.
(9) Be a grandparent who's nice to know.
Show a positive attitude to life. It sets a great example to your grandchildren and will encourage them to come to you for advice.
(10) Look for chinks only you can fill
For instance, encourage a hobby such as gardening or drawing, which your grandchild's parents may not have the skill or time to share with them. This will open up a whole new world of fun for both of you.
Dr Miriam Stoppard
10 July 2008
http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/yourlife/drmiriam/2008/07/10/how-to-be-a-great-gran-89520-20638267/
