How sibling rivalry can help kids in life
Imagine how odd family life would be if one sibling insisted the other take the last cookie and the other happily relinquished the favoured TV chair to the first.
Whether kids are teasing each other, knocking over treasured toys or fighting over who mom loves best, siblings without rivalry are no more realistic than married couples getting along all the time. "Any intimate relationship is going to have tension as well as closeness," says registered clinical counsellor Michelle Koroll of Island Family Counselling Centre. "Sibling rivalry has a negative connotation but I think competition between siblings is normal. And can be healthy."
Among many other "opportunities," sibling rivalry offers kids the chance to learn skills such as negotiation, conflict-resolution and co-operation, which can pay off in the classroom and later life. Even if they make a lot of faces at each other along the way. If parents come to the rescue too quickly and too often, the kids will depend on parents to resolve issues and might even try to create chaos just to relieve the quiet.
As well, kids with only one potential playmate in the family have a built-in reason to work things out. When one child howls that their sister is mean to them, rather than automatically ordering the other to "stop doing that," Koroll suggests telling the victimized child that you wouldn't play with someone mean. Then ask what the victim would like to do next.
Parents should intervene only when it's absolutely necessary such as to prevent imminent physical harm.
One of the reasons parents worry too much about sibling conflict is the fear it will intensify and prevent kids from being close as adults. But squabbling, however irritating and disruptive, does not mean the kids don't love each other, she says. "Disagreement [is] a necessary part of the evolution of the relationship."
Still, she advocates giving kids individual time with parents to minimize rivalry. "Often I see parents who see kids as a package deal," she says. Because lives are busy, they want to ensure as much family time as possible. There's no reason why that can't mean mom with one child and dad with the other.
Moreover, there's "too much emphasis" on trying to make everything equal among kids in order to be fair, says the instructor in the University of Victoria School of Child and Youth Care. An impossibly high standard, it puts pressure on parents to recreate every "special moment" they had with one child with the other. That saps the uniqueness. True fairness depends on the needs and temperament of each child and differs from day to day, she says.
"When a child complains about not getting equal treatment, don't argue," advises Nancy Samalin in Loving Each One Best. "Just try to address what you think he really needs at that moment an extra hug, a moment of undivided attention, or a compliment." A child who sees a lot of attention paid to their younger sibling probably wants some, too, but blurts out "you love her more than me," instead. Parents should consider that "when an older child picks on a younger one, it may be because he or she is feeling left out, ignored, unheard," she writes. When the big sibling acts that out by being mean, they're further reprimanded, worsening the sense of rivalry.
Parents are further ahead by eliciting reasons for the older child's behaviour and acknowledging them. "Say, 'I can see why you'd be furious that Jen wrecked your puzzle. But I'm not going to let you hurt her.' " If kids are bickering constantly while playing 'together,' ask them to go to opposite corners while you set the timer for 15 minutes, Samalin suggests. It won't be long before they chafe at the "Siberia" of solitary play and find ways to get along.
Katherine Dedyna
30 May 2009
http://www.timescolonist.com/Life/sibling+rivalry+help+kids+life/1646588/story.html
