Changing roles

Theresa Fraser

Being the primary caregiver to natural and “borrowed children" for twelve years has been an interesting, fulfilling, demanding and frustrating journey. Grocery shopping in between plan of care meetings with a two year old who made it his mission to either hide his socks in the frozen food section or run to whatever exit was closest was hair pulling. Now I remember it fondly. Having grocery clerks open out a check out just for me because either they valued my three cart business or were happy to have my two year old darling out of the store as quickly as possible was always flattering and appreciated. Now I wonder how I actually accomplished it.

Being called to a school to have an emergency meeting regarding a teen who had been caught writing graffiti on the school bathroom stalls or because another student had been physically assaulted was not an abnormal occurrence. It did however, always impact on how much cleaning could actually get done during the day. The worst was always workers who would call just to chat exactly when children were leaving or arriving or as you were trying to get dinner on the table.

Being available to visit the school to listen to a teen's speech (after he had been practicing it with you nightly for a week) has been a privilege. Being able to nurse a sick child without worrying about being fired for taking time off work was a bonding opportunity. Being able to just hang out with the kids at the beach or the movies and actually have the energy to have fun and enjoy the excitement of youth was always relationship building. I had the time and opportunity to “play".

What I haven’t mentioned as yet however, is that while I was at home my better half was working outside of the home. Every time he didn’t call to say he would be late or just didn’t call to see how my day was going was resented by me. Not all of the time but often enough. Having him grumble when the noise level was high just as he was getting in the door always struck me as odd. After all he missed the swearing, door slamming and tears when a family visit was cancelled. Post- chatter is nothing after working through an hour long tantrum. I often could not understand why he needed me to remind him of plans that had already been discussed. Why did I always need to remember shopping for Christmas or Birthdays? After all he was the one who actually had time alone in his car daily and the freedom to go to a variety store if he chose to. He also had an actual lunch break every day. My schedule was always at the mercy of whatever charges I had in my care at any given time.

And then the journey changed–.

I work outside of the home and become that worker who calls at the worst times because I am worried that I don’t spend enough time in contact with foster families. He stays at home and becomes the primary caregiver to our assortment of children. He experiences lice, chicken pox, therapy appointments and meetings with workers who want to tour the house when it is the day before major room cleaning day. I become so engrossed in the crisis of the day that I forget to call to check in. I spend my drive home returning phone calls and setting up the appointments. I walk in to find the routines a little off and the house a little less organized than I like it but find everyone putting on a play or having a movie night. I forget class pizza days and need reminders to pick up milk. Valentine’s Day comes and goes. He remembered class treats, valentines and to make reservations at a restaurant for a “ family date". I did not even remember to buy him a card. He never complains about my lack of support and tries hard to be all things to every child.

The journey has been insightful. Valentine’s day was eye opening for me this year. My role has changed and his role has changed. How easy it was for me to criticize his efforts or lack of effort (in my mind). It took me walking in his shoes for a while to understand how difficult his role was and is now.

It made me think back to working front-line in a group home. It is so easy to assume that co-workers do not accomplish what you think that you could. Why was dinner not started or are logs late? Day shift or overnight shift should have lots of time to get things done. It takes working with them and experiencing their stresses to understand what their challenges are. It is so easy to be un-supportive to team members instead of underscoring and praising the accomplishments of others. I am blessed with an understanding and supportive partner who teaches me something new everyday.

(Happy Belated Valentine’s Honey. The children and I are blessed to have you in our lives.)