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Listen to thisDoes the child expect a child care worker in his life? Does it surprise you that you're unwanted? Because the child care worker is not seen as being a part of the natural order of a child's life, the worker is not entitled to any of the pre-conceived responses from the child which a parent or a peer might expect. The child care worker must, therefore, understand the roles which the child already perceives, and using this information and his skills, develop his role according to reasonable and professional expectations.
Harry L. Blackman, while Supervisor at Group Homes Lutheran Orphans & Old Folks Home, Toledo, Ohio, discussed some of the stresses acting upon the child in care, and the effect of these stresses on both the child and on the child care worker's efforts.
"Fantasy Family"
The “Fantasy family" is a phenomenon which occurs between the child and
his mother in the first few minutes of their physical meeting and
continues in spurts in the mind of the child, perhaps in anticipation of
coming visits or in an attempt to escape from reality, by dreaming of
living within the “fantasy family". The “fantasy family" is different
for each individual. Basically, it consists of a caring and loving
mother who has need for the child and protects the child. She is the
child's “wonder mommy." The child sees himself as obedient and good. He
does not get into trouble, is successful, and makes his mother proud.
The mother sees the child as her baby who needs her nurture, love,
experience, and attention. She also sees the child as someone who should
give her a thankful response for the efforts and sacrifices that she has
made and will make. Although the idea will be different for different
individuals, the situation will follow a general pattern. It makes
little difference that the child has been physically abused by the
natural family or that he is mentally scarred by emotional disturbance,
retardation, malnutrition, or lack of affection. It makes little
difference that the mother is out of the picture for weeks, months, or
even years at a time. It makes little difference that the child
verbalizes his hatred for his mother or his mother's hatred for him. The “fantasy family" still exists for the child, and the personalities
identified in that “fantasy family" are his natural parents as he
perceives them. Although the “fantasy family" appears to fade as the
child grows older, it still continues; it is just under a pile of
reality. This affects both the child in care and the child care worker
directly, since the child care worker is rarely perceived as a
personality of this “fantasy family" and fights the battle of being a
parent in the child's mind. Thus, the child care worker does 'not
deserve' the devotion or responses the “fantasy family" is entitled to.
When the child care worker must act as a disciplinarian, or has
sacrificed to the nth degree, the child may remark how great and
wonderful his parents are. It is important that the child care worker
keep in context the fact that these great and wonderful people are the “fantasy family" who are nothing but good in the mind of the child. When
the child and the mother do meet, the child care worker can readily see
the syrupy exchanges “that usually lasts only a short time. The mother
assumes her natural role of protector, a strong individual who supplies
the child's nurturing needs; the child, in turn, takes on the image of
the ideal child. The breakdown of this stage of the relationship is very
rapid and the overprotective mother reverts to meeting her own needs.
The child is no longer capable of playing the fantasy role. Mom hasn't
lived up to expectations and the child hasn't lived up to expectations.
Depending upon the level of disturbance and the weakness of the
relationship, the child comes away from the visit drained, bored, upset,
and almost always angry because he realizes that his mother will not be
taking him with her. Reality has crept in, but has not destroyed the “fantasy family"; merely disorganized and repressed thoughts of it for a
time.
Mary Hartman
The child's real world today is shaped by the stresses created by what I
call the 'Mary Hartman' effect. Mary's life is patterned from fad after
fad. Her speech is spattered with phrases from commercials. She is
controlled by television, magazine ads, soap operas and other media-type
fantasies. Mary Hartman, although a dramatization of the effect of
commercialism and artificial living situations in entertainment, is, I
believe, a good characterization of the phenomenon. The expectations of
children today are far greater than those of children 10 or 15 years ago
because they have been bombarded with a media fantasy world. The child
expects jets, money, sailboats and world vacations. He expects family
drama and at the same time an ideal family. And, because the child's
goals are way out of reach, he tends not to grasp for them. Many of the
children who do attempt to reach for goals find that the traditional
work-for-a-living ethic isn't working, and they resort to other ways of
attaining the goal.
Peer pressure
What about peer pressure? This is an area that has been talked to death.
Every child care worker is aware of it. It is the effect that one child
or group of children have on another child. It can be a positive effect
or a negative effect as far as the child care worker is concerned. Peer
pressure can be the very destructive element that helps construct
antisocial views. Children may have rejected the traditional values of
the communities we live in, usually as a result of conflicting value
systems among parents, child care workers, peers, and school systems.
Often peer pressure amounts to a fantasy perception of what the child
believes are his peers' expectations of him. The perceptions are
manifested by the anxiety of rejection by peers.
The Child Care Worker
So who is the child care worker “and with what feelings is he
contending? The child care worker is the individual in the child's life
who is like the elf in a story book. While the child sleeps and is
unaware, the worker is meeting his nurturing needs, coping with the
problems, raising the child, and teaching the child how to operate in
the real world. At the same time, the child care worker earns the
parents' jealousy because right now he is managing the child's life
better than the parent can. He earns the child's hostility because of
the conflict he represents as a competitive figure with the “fantasy
family" -- the child's immediate needs for the child care worker are
infinitely more apparent than the need for the natural parent. The child
care worker hasn't grown up within the Mary Hartman stresses as the
child has. He sees the child striving for fantasy goals. Knowing how
difficult it has been just to attain his own level of success, the child
care worker has a responsibility to meet even the fantasy needs of the
child, and yet may be completely rejected by the child. He becomes aware
that the more he does for some children, the more he gets hurt
personally. The worker must realize that as a professional there are
skills he can perfect to make his work more effective and less painful
to himself and to the children and the families he serves. Because he is
so vital to the children and families he serves, he knows he cannot give
up. The child care worker is not a peer and should not attempt to
compete in the role of a peer. He is a professional who must have more
influence on the child's direction and growth than the other stresses
have.
The stresses
There are many other stresses and strains that can act upon the child in
care. In a diagram one could show the child in the middle, with the
fantasy family, the Mary Hartman effect, the peers, and the child care
worker all pulling in different directions. Philosophically, you can
talk about who is right. Pragmatically, it doesn't matter. It is the
child care worker's responsibility to be right. So who wins? Well,
unless something has changed, no one wins. In fact, this atmosphere all
too often destroys the child, the family, and the child care worker.
Solutions?
One approach might be to cut some of the strings. Then the stresses are
in your favor -- or are they? The chances are that you are only delaying
the inevitable. Another approach might be to pull harder, fight harder
and stronger than the peers, than the Mary Hartman effect, and the
fantasy family effect. To do this you may use harsher discipline, more
conferences, more devotion, and more rewards. This may work for a while,
but what happens when you come to face the ultimate problem of child
care workers -- burning out? And what happens when that strong figure of
the child care worker is gone from the child's life? Is the child strong
enough to manage all of these pressures by himself? Are there enough
adults or time to devote to each child to accomplish that kind of
success?
The following topics for group discussion may help you to deal with the stresses you and the children face.
Help the children you work with to identify their perceptions of the ideal family. This will give you clues to the “fantasy family".
Hold short group sessions which are designed to recognize how each of you help each other. In these sessions, everyone toots his own horn. Each member tells how he sees his role in helping others, and what he or she has actually done for the others in the house. Here is the opportunity to receive recognition from the children and separate your actions from the “fantasy family". This will reduce the anxiety surrounding your competitive role, and will make children aware of the expectation that they should help and care for each other.
The skill of group leadership is one way to draw the stresses of the peer group, the 'fantasy family', and the Mary Hartman effect into the directions you feel are most helpful. Too often the child care worker expects treatment to be imposed on the child by psychiatrist, psychologist and social worker. Your influence and skills are more powerful than any outside treatment could reasonably expect to be.
And stay stimulated and informed yourself. Keep reading. Contact your professional Child Care Workers' Association for training workshop dates, resource materials, and reading lists.
This feature: Reprinted with permission from Child Care Work in Focus.
