Living with loss

Loss and separation are very painful human experiences. Each one of us has to cope with a range of natural losses throughout our lives. When we are young this can include losing a favourite toy, the death of a pet, friendships breaking up, changing schools, moving home, parents parting and elderly relatives dying. However, loss is particularly hard to bear if it is unexpected, sudden or unusual. This is one of the reasons why coming into care is so upsetting.

Most young people imagine that they will stay with their parents, or with a parent, until they are ready to leave home and live independently. Even if children realise that things are going wrong at home, they are not usually prepared for going into care and all its consequences.

Going into care
It is a serious loss to be separated from your family before you are ready to stand on your own feet, and it is particularly hard if other children do not have to go through the same experience. Whether you go into care for a long or short time, there are several losses you have to deal with all together “possessions, friends, pets, school and neighbourhood, as well as family. Even the different look and smell of a foster home or children's home can make you feel strange – and lonely.

How does loss make us feel?
Feelings about loss can include sadness, anger, bewilderment, shock, fear and panic, as well as perhaps some opposite feelings like relief, triumph and excitement. These powerful, mixed feelings sometimes cause confusion, guilt and exhaustion. If you don’t understand them “or can’t deal with them – these feelings might lead to depression and anger.

How can I help myself?
Firstly, by accepting that it is perfectly normal to have strong feelings about being separated from family, friends and home “and about possibly having to face several changes before being able to settle down again. It is very natural for anyone to want to cry out loud about the loss. You don’t need to feel embarrassed about this. If we try to pretend we’re not upset, and even feel ashamed about it, there is a danger that we will express these feelings in ways which harm ourselves and others.

Are there practical things I can do?
Yes. Some of the ideas written below may appeal to you, or they may help you to think of something even better. Remember that they are just a start. Think about doing them with someone you trust, or talking to that person about how you feel.

If you find it difficult to work out your feelings, it might be because you are feeling frightened or “taken over” by them. Sometimes, a film, book or TV programme helps you to make sense of how you are feeling. Crying about something or someone else can also make us feel better about ourselves.

You might like to list some of the feelings you have had since coming into care, for example, “strange”, “lonely”, “angry”, “hurt”, “frightened”. This may be a first step towards accepting them and, perhaps, going on to sharing them with others .
Writing can help us release our feelings all the best poets and novelists would agree. You might like to keep a private diary, or tell your own story (or part of it) in a poem or article. Reading other rhymes or stories may help to get you going. The result could be that you understand your own feelings and experiences better. By arranging your thoughts on paper, you may get some control over them.

The same can be true for drawing or painting. These are enjoyable and creative things to do, but they are also ways of getting in touch with painful feelings.

Creating a “memory box” can be a way of not forgetting important parts of your life, even if you are facing a new future. Into a box, you can put photos, precious objects, your notes of important events, and maybe even a tape of a funny or happy event.

Finally, remember that you are not alone even if it feels like it sometimes. Loss touches everyone at certain times in their lives. You are entitled to help from carer workers, social workers and teachers. There are also many organisations which can give you independent advice. Asking for support from others is not a sign of failure. It is something good which you have achieved for yourself.

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"I spent most of my life in care, from the age of three to 18. My father committed suicide when I was 3 and my mother died in a house fire when I was 9. For me, 1994 was a particularly bad year. I had five deaths, including the loss of my natural brother and two sisters. It left me with a whole range of mixed emotions, both good and bad. It made me wonder whether I had told the person how much I cared, and I thought of times when I should have been there, but wasn’t. That can make you feel guilty “or even worse. I also remembered the good in the person, and realised that it is more than likely that they knew how I felt about them. I was lucky to have people around me who cared, so I could share what I was really going through. It was a hard and upsetting time, though it did make me see that life is short and precious."

– Michael

From Who Cares? “the UK magazine for young people in care.