Relational Realms

James Freeman

There’s no avoiding the relational in our work.

We are all something in relation to one another. There’s something spiritual about us all being connected.

We really can’t control our relationships either. Coercing someone to connect just doesn’t work. And “using” a relationship to achieve predetermined outcomes just doesn’t fit with the ideas of personal agency and empowerment.

Yet we can influence the quality of our connections. On our side of the equation, we can develop a deeper self-awareness, be thoughtful about how we go about things, and build skills to communicate well and engage with others.

And on the other side…

We can influence and make contact, but we can’t control the other person. It’s ultimately for the other person to receive and decide what they want to be open to. And what they want to contribute back.

We can shape the space between us to an extent. We can create opportunity by being around. We can demonstrate signs of safety by what and how we say things and the actions we take. But the actual creation of connection and safety is only there when both sides do something in that space.

And everything that takes place in that space is a risk. A risk because either of us can be rejected or hurt at any moment. It’s an open space where we are vulnerable - and it goes both ways.

The strange thing is that even though the space is similar for both of us, when they choose not to take the risk we call it resistant or closed. When we don’t, we call it professional distance. There are reasons for those sorts of actions, its just interesting how our labels can imply fault and blame.

Is there an end goal for the kids we work with? There are the external expectations of society (e.g., finish school, get a job, get along with people). There’s education plans and treatment plans and care plans.

There are the internal desires that are sometimes hard to put words together but are signs of wanting to live. Things like “I want to feel hurt less”. “I want to have a reason to get up in the morning.” “I want to feel in control of myself.”

We have to be careful that we’re not inventing measures of ‘progress’ that prevent us from being present with the pressing goal the other person wants right now.

We’re all going somewhere. That’s what life and health and growth is all about. Some of us need more help than others. And some of us learn that when we help another, we actually find out what it is we need, too. It’s dangerous to get into this work for that purpose, but wonderful to look back and see what we’ve gained in the process. In the relational spaces it’s all reciprocal.

We are too good at making it complicated. We get in our own way. And we forget that right now is all we really have.