You have outlined this situation very clearly and honestly. You begin by wondering whether other child care workers experience this kind of problem. Often we assume that we are the only people who have certain problems, but this is seldom the case. The problem you have described is one that child care workers often encounter -- you are not alone in this! But as I reassure you, I also remind you that if you feel some hesitance, uncertainty and a sense of exposure in expressing this problem, remember this feeling. The next time you speak to a youngster about some difficulty that he or she may be experiencing, remember your own doubts as to whether this is a normal and natural response to a problem, and you will understand better how hard it is for children to put themselves on the line by expressing their worries.

By being in touch with our own feelings we are able to understand the experiences of our clients.

You have described your impatience with this child’s behaviour quite clearly. You resist giving her the attention and warmth that you know she needs, and that this makes you feel guilty. You seem to have a good sense of how you should respond to her in order to meet her needs and help her development. But you cannot quite get yourself to respond emotionally to her in the way that your head tells you that you should.

This conflict between ourselves as people (with our limitations and difficulties) and ourselves as professionals often arises in our work. At times our grasp of the needs of a child just does not match with what we, as people, have to offer. This is not comfortable for us, because we want to be of service to our clients.
Not being able to meet our own professional expectations leaves us feeling bad. We often deal with such feelings by blaming others — our organisations, our supervisors and colleagues, and even the children. Instead of doing this, however, you have approached this problem in a thoroughly professional manner. You have taken a hard look at the child and a hard look at yourself, and you admit to yourself that you find it hard to respond to the needs of this child. Well done! Defining your problem so honestly is often half the battle. Now you can go ahead and start working on solving the problem.

If this were a problem we could deal with in supervision, face-to-face, we would need to spend some time exploring your feelings about this child, and try to find out exactly what behaviours trigger your feelings of impatience.

• Is it that this child seeks you out during a time that you have set aside to do other important work, and that causes you to feel pulled in two directions? If this is so, why would she choose this time?
• Is it at a time when you are not surrounded by other children?
• Is it something in this child’s manner that causes you to feel like this?
• You describe her as ‘servile’ and ‘ingratiating’ — does her neediness perhaps make you feel overwhelmed, as if her needs are too great for you to be able to meet?

In supervision it might be useful for you to explore your own feelings of neediness and dependence. For example, do you feel impatient and irritated with yourself when you experience yourself as being needy? How do you feel when others appear to want or need more from you than you are able to give?
All this may seem silly to you, but remember that we as child and youth care workers are not machines — but human beings who bring to each and every interaction our own selves. We bring our personal histories and our personality styles. When we find our actions inconsistent with our expectations of ourselves we are offered some material for self-exploration.

Studying this material usually yields insights into our own emotional lives that have previously been covered up. Uncovering some of this can help us to understand our reactions. This understanding, in turn, helps us to take better control of those feelings. And this reduces the effect that our discomfort may have on the child in question.

What I’m talking of here is the old thing that we talk of again and again in child care — self-awareness. If you are able to understand your own feelings, it is easier to control them, and react in the most useful way for the child.

We cannot, at a distance, take this line of thought much further. But perhaps you have someone in your organisation who could help you explore somethose things. It need not be someone in authority, but perhaps a trusted colleague who would be happy to listen to you — don’t overlook the value of peer supervision. Alternatively you could spend some time on your own thinking through these questions. Mull over them in your own quiet time and see what understanding emerges. Another thing you could do is write down your thoughts and feelings -- putting thoughts down on paper helps us reach clarity.

Looking inwards to yourself would be one way of working at this difficulty -- becoming aware of your own "issues" and how they affect your behaviour with this child. The second way would be to look outwards to the relationship.

Think of things you can do to improve the situation, and to minimize any negative impact your confusion may have when working with this child. Several practical suggestions follow:

Clearly this young girl is "stuck" (like a broken record) at a difficult point in her life or in her development. We owe it to her to help her to get past this. You will find that getting her to move on to the next stage will automatically end the irritating repetition, which is a sign of her being "stuck". Use this task also as an opportunity to extend yourself — your self-awareness and your own skills. Decide on your approach, apply it consistently over a period of time and then evaluate the situation to see if there has been any change. Good Luck.

— M.A.