On our first night I remember it was so cold. Guys were shivering but despite that we still sat in a circle, talked to each other and even sang. After that we went to sleep in our tents, but I couldn’t sleep. I was cold but I was also excited — what was in store for me for the next five days?

The next day there was a surprise for us — abseiling! I stood on the cliff and looked down and I thought ‘If I fall will die’, but the way they motivated me just lifted my spirits and I felt strong. I said to myself  "I can do it. It is all in my mind. If we can overcome this fear then we can overcome other fears that we encounter in our lives." But yoh, was I scared! As I went down they were saying: "We’ve got a natural here!" It took a long time and when I finished, my legs wouldn’t stay still. When we got to the bottom we all screamed because we can do what we want. We were all scared and yet we all did it. I can’t describe the feeling but I felt great. It was the best part of the course for me.

I remember that night speaking about the dark things inside — about the time I stabbed my father. We had to find something in nature to represent us. I brought a pinecone — lumps and bumps all over it as I have a lot of ups and downs. Then we threw it in a black bag and said goodbye to those things. All of the guys cried. I thought it was weak for a man to cry but there in the mountains we all cried. Men do cry. Some cry inside. I look up to Coleridge. He whispers but somehow the words stick. The words he said to us — I don’t know how to make that come out, how to live it.

The next day was our solo — one night alone! I didn’t think I could do it. We had to make our own camp and we couldn’t talk or be with others. They painted our faces like Indians and stood in a circle. They burned these wild herbs and waved the smoke in front of us with eagle feathers. I went to my tent that night and — listening to the river and nature — a lot of stuff came to my mind. I sang and when I sang I cried. I felt pain thinking of my life but I also felt joy because these people did all these things for me and I didn’t do a thing for them. If people like them can still have faith in us youth, then why do we have to do wrong like steal or rob people.

When we finally spoke about our solos, we each took a turn and the others listened. Afterwards the Educo staff told us that we all have willpower — we can change our lives because we have the strength inside. That night Trevor showed us his pictures of Everest and told us how he had made his dream happen. That’s what I am trying to do. I learned if you want to do something, do it. I can sing well and I think I would like to sing and perform. There is a club here in Mitchell’s Plain where the kids learn theatre and dance. I am going for an audition there next week.

I am also a gangster. I am slowly drifting away from that. I used to go to the [Mitchell’s Plain] town centre every day trying to steal — I’ve got three [court] cases from there. That was before I went on the camp. I don’t want to do it anymore — I told myself it is nonsense — I will only end up in jail or get shot. I am trying to bring some of what I learned back home. I tell my friends that I learned about responsibility, respecting others and their property. Don’t try to steal something, try instead to work for it. But some of the guys just say that is rubbish. My one friend listened. When I told him what happened to me in the mountains, he stopped doing drugs and now he’s ‘born again’ and works at Shoprite. I am still trying to do that. In that journal that Coleridge gave us, there were wise words from different people. One verse said: "I cannot change the world as one person, but I can change the world for one person". That’s what happened for me and my friend. He’s helping me possibly get a job too. I just hope things work out for me.

Acknowledgements: Educo Africa, a leadership development program
based in Cape Town. Write to Educo here

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